The development from a child to an adult and its many disappointments

Your expectation changes as you grow up from the very childish ideas of what life is, from being a child to harsh reality of what life actually is when you start to grow up.

You start at nursery where everything’s great everything is the colour of a rainbow and every wall has a badly drawn winnie the pooh on it, taken from the eye of somebody who failed at art college.

Then you move up to big school where you have to start to learn, which is fun for a bit until you start to wish you was back in nursery were you could piss yourself as often as you like drink a gallon of Ribena and run at the winnie the pooh wall all day. But even big school seems fun as you start to become more aware of things outside of that and you start to believe you could be spiderman and everybody is too polite to tell you they wasn’t sure you was ever going to walk or stop pissing the bed. Your parents had started buying you McDonalds wallpaper to give you something to aspire to be when you grow up. But nobody corrects a child at that age so everybody will say of course you can become a footballer never mind that you were born with bandy legs and walk everywhere like you’re in a western film. And then you become cocky as a child and confused with reality you start telling people I’m going become a footballer…….on mars and wolverine will be in goal and we will win the universe cup beating darth vadar and everybody from the lion king. But parents wouldn’t correct that child for being an idiot “aaw he’s very imaginative….. he’s’ a moron and you’re not helping.

Then you get to secondary school and hormones start to kick in and you start to think I’m not going to be a footballer…….im going to be the world’s greatest love maker and you spend your entire time chasing girls with your bandy legs promising them the great time they and your one pubic hair could have and being beaten by the tougher boys with their actual penises, mocking your triumphant prawn in a cocktail of two curly pubes you still hide under your spiderman pants while they chase you whipping you with a wet towel while the suspicious PE teacher, with the unnecessarily short, shorts watches on.

If you go to college you start believing you’re an academic who was stifled by the conventions of public school and you’re going to become the greatest at whatever, of the easier subjects you chose, like the……greatest sports scientist the world has ever seen. You will discover whole series of muscles previously unknown to humans, which will allow a footballer the leap from a third floor window, of his teammates wife’s bedroom while remaining unharmed. But you start to realise, how much you miss secondary school and its simplicity and how you’ve let down the 15 year old version of you by not becoming the world’s greatest love maker…unless your hand is responsible for giving out the nominations. Because now, you know that everybody else is doing it, so you to must have a responsible adult relationship which, when your that age means the only conversation you do have is how long your partner is willing to wait before she will allow you to dry hump her again. And you miss that idea of a relationship you had at school, were a relationship would last 20 minutes of fingering the new girl behind the bike sheds before she moved on the next one in the queue.

People who go on to university become ridiculous creatures full of self-loving idiocy, they’re going to change the world and take a gap year teaching kids in Uganda without TV’s about the importance Mark Whalberg has played in the history of film. You become some ridiculous idea of what adult and working life actually is. Until you realise you’ve spent 3 years studying a subject you’ve gradually lost any passion for and have pissed and vomited on yourself in front of more strangers then you had at nursery, at university parties. You realise everything you said you was going to do with your life, was decided at 4 o’clock in the morning after a night drinking Tesco value vodka with a load of other idiots whose every decision is based around getting high in listening to Bob Marley. “Let’s move to Estonia we can start our own rap/ morris dancing band and just get high every day”. "Let’s move to Greenland..we can track polar bears. And get high all day. My cousin did it during his gap year until he lost a testicle to frost bite trying shag seal, while high as fuck.”

You know you’re going to leave university get a shit office job that’s barely related to what you did there and work until you retire at 206 where all that’s left of you, is a brain that’s connected to a computer that speaks for you…..Which people can also play tetris on.

Another thatcher related post

The following are things that are of more concern to me than Margaret thatchers death.

1. The price of Freddos
2. Getting a numb leg from spending too long defecating
3. When will they bring a new Ben and Jerry's flavour out?
4. When will I be able to own an actual light sabre seeing as america have made an actual laser gun?
5. Is Jurassic park scientifically accurate? If so why the fuck don't i own my own T-Rex yet?
6. What ever happened to Cadbury "marble" bars?
7. Will so solid crew ever have a reunion?
8. Why don't more people wear parachute pants?
9. How can i get my hair to be a high top fade like will smith in fresh prince of bell air?
10. Why is it only with crabs, that once the meat is removed do they still present the meat in the shell? Why can't they do that with other animals like using the pigs legs to suspend bacon like a hammock?
11. Will there be a shortage of Nutella and how will that effect global economics if there is, will we fall into a triple dip recession because of it?
12. Is it a hate crime if i call another white man "a fucking cracker" in anger?
13. Can we forgive Michael Barrymore so we can bring back strike it lucky?
14. How much wood could a woodchop chop if he indeed could chop wood?
15. Who buys Ferrero Rocher when it's not Christmas and how does that company keep going?

Margaret thatcher died. The following are the real consequences of this

Margaret thatcher has died and these are the issues I am most concerned with. Nerve mind if she stole milk off people if you can't fight off an old testicle faced bitch for the sake of your milk than you clearly didn't want it enough in the first place and therefore don't deserve it. Plus she never stopped people drinking soya or goats milk! And how many people owned female cats and dogs or knew somebody that was lactating. If people wanted milk so much they should be more astute and find ways to have it. Yet the real tragedy of her death are the following:
*Will I get a useable day off work.
*And has the result of industrial Britain effected climate change to a point in which this potential day off will be warm.
*will my tax money go to sending her off? Couldn't we just leave her in one of the many abandoned houses caused by the collapse of industrial Britain and just leave one of them airwick plug ins that spray so often as so the scent doesn't become too overwhelming.
And more importantly then all of these is will people become confused and think that Meryl Streep has died because that would be a bigger tragedy.

Acceptable and unacceptable statement 2

The water park is my favourite place, i love to swim. The slides are my favourite
Acceptable

The water park is my favourite place, i cant swim. The kids are my favourite.
Unacceptable

Acceptable and unacceptable statements. Statement number one

I think in the light of all the recent abuse claims I thought it may be useful to explain the difference between acceptable and unacceptable statements.
Statement number 1:

"Emma Watson is hot"
Acceptable

"Emma Watson is hot...in the first Harry potter film.
Unacceptable.

Some potential wedding vows unfinished

I will one day stop being lazy and tidy these up, add more and make it into a speech but that won't be anytime soon. So it's as it is.
-
*I promise to always love you.
I promise to always perform at least 5 minutes of oral sex on you as foreplay before sex unless we haven't showered, were drunk or if I have an ulcer or other affliction that may effect my mouth or jaw area.

*I promise to always listen and cherish you.
Unless your being your typical moody self and bitching about everything or your menstruating and acting like a psychotic wanker!

*I promise to love you until we are old and grey or until you get fat and start growing facial hair. Or start listening to somebody like Michael Buble, watching loose women and stop making an effort in what you look like.

*I promise to always take care of you
Unless you get so fat that you have to winched in and out of a reinforced bath or can only be washed while still in bed with a rag.

*I promise to always respect your opinion
Until your quickly and inevitably wrong or you start watching sex in the city as that instantly vetos any opinion you may have about anything.

*I will always think of you first
Especially when I've come in late from a night out and drunkenly voided my bowels.
I promise to try and not fall up the stairs and will sleep in the bath as not to wake you.

*I promise to hold you when your sad
Unless its over a romantic comedy, to which I will repeat that I insisted we watched robocop in the first place.

*I will raise a beautiful family with you
Unless that child is a wrong un then we can sell it madonna and try again.

*I promise to laugh with you and at you to cheer myself up when I'm feeling down.

*From the moment I set my eyes on you I knew you was the one for me you could drink your own body weight in WKD's and still locate the nearest take away and finish close to three quarters of a kebab before vomiting on yourself.

*I promise to laugh when you laugh. Smile when you smile. Cry when you cry and only fart loudly and masturbate while you sleep.

*I promise to always love you for you and ensure that i hide it, so you never find my collection of midget and bestiality porn!

How to make a woman love you tip 1

How to make a woman love you.
Tip 1
Buy flowers. It may seem old fashioned but flowers always work. The bigger, bolder, more exuberant and more expensive, the better. Then simply hide a tiny cat shit in the middle of it, so it's not visible to the naked eye. And when she recoils in horror at the stench, when she takes a breath into the beautiful bouquet. Simply say "looks aren't everything, love stinks and life can be shit, so marry me!!!" guaranteed to work without fail, and if it somehow does fail it was probably never meant to be in the first place.

The simple idea I believe love is all about

Love isn't at first sight! Love isn't an instant overwhelming feeling of one person truly being for you. Its not found in the throws of an unsuspected moment of passion. Its not found in the eyes or in the comfort of a persons presence. Its not formed in any amount of beautiful words, a song or a single moment. Love and true love is discovered down the line. when such moments have faded, but the lasting love, is your partner feeling your erect penis in their back, and not only, not taking offence to it, but giving a sleepy reach around so you can both sleep in peace.
That to me, is the true definition of love.

A post without any reference to penis's is a great achievement for me!

It was a blur, but a joyous one, the likes of which only fleeting moments of clarity occur, but leave burned somewhere subconsciously.
Burned in some deep place that seemed lost before her presence evoked.. something.. Many things, all great emotions. sadness, loss, fear, joy, then. a smile.. a kiss.. the flash of a footprint left in the sand, the last remnants of a beautiful memory that had long but faded. It was all there, but wouldn't form anything clear, as all good love should, it crashed together everything that had been before, but everything that had formed him. battle scarred but still complete, with a heart that beats for her now, arose the noble man, once lost, clenching the hand that pulls him from that cavernous place and holding it, eternally.

me and mark sat down and talked about all things art, the shitness of university and the "cesspit" that is hull. (first draft they will be mistakes)

I arrive at the gate of marks house, his spacious backyard in full bloom under one of few days of the summer so far where the sun sits high in the sky and finally warms what has been a torrid few weeks of almost constant rain. Sat on a sunbed with a book about semiotics in his hand a bunch of papers and several pencils sit on the floor beside him. I go to open the gate and Mark peers above his book before his little black terrier peanut comes flying out the open hallway door. Bounding towards me as I tentatively open the gate he jumps up excitedly “PEANUT” yells mark as he lifts himself out of the sunbed and approaches tapping me on the shoulder and asking in his typical friendly “Alright man”.  I follow him into the house and into the kitchen where he starts to fill the kettle with water. “Brew?” he asks and I nod in approval. We stand a chat for a while as the kettle rattles and bubbles away in the corner. It clicks off and Mark prepares himself a strong cup of black coffee and me a cup of tea and we head upstairs into a back room. The back room has become his drawing and study area in which sits a full professional drawing desk, a large shelving unit packed to the brim with comics, graphic novels and art books. In the corner sits a thick pillowed green chair which he uses to read in and the other corner a computer and desk. I make my way towards the comfy looking green chair taking with me some of his recent work and starting to flick through it as we chat. Mark cuts a completely different figure to the one of only several months’ back, struggling with the frustrations of his university course he chose to leave to work on his drawing skills and understanding of all things art. His work reflects this hugely and the progress made from the early days after he quit and to now is remarkable. Without the burden of university which he felt was stifling his progress. His work is unique, intriguing and wonderfully done, with the same oddness and jovialness that he has always drawn with returning to him. Allowing him the freedom to study his passion in his own way has in no doubt paid off. Yet as he acknowledges it is a risk to find your feet in such a demanding business without a degree but like me he believes ability should speak for itself. Mark sits down with me to answer such questions in his typically and almost brutally honest but always humorous manner.

1.    ME: So we’ve talked about how you almost teaching yourself instead of going through a university, what was your reasoning for this?

Mark: well basically I was there previously but dropped out the first time because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do it. And then when I returned the second time I felt that, especially from talking to people and starting to realise for myself that people don’t really care (in regard to the tutors) so I thought I’m not going to spend 3 years of life and however many thousands of pounds it is to be taught by a load of apathetic people (when speaking to mark previously I had always felt that he struggled to get what are clearly unique ideas across to his tutors which he clearly found frustrating)-he continues; so I thought if I’m going to learn anything I’m going to have to teach myself that’s how I’ve always done it from school and right up to university. And I feel that everything I have ever really learnt is from teaching myself and I feel if I had the same drive I do now as I did when I was younger I would already be in a company or a good job because (he mentions the pictures of two self-portraits he has done. One which he did after he just left university for the second time and one more recently and the difference in terms of quality, all through what he has taught himself about everything about drawing and art and general practise is clear to see)

2.    ME: So you went through the university process but it wasn’t for you what didn’t you like about it?-about being restricted by briefs and not feeling like you were learning?

Mark: Erm basically I didn’t think I was learning anything even though I was only there 5 months but I started to look at the work of people who’ve been there 3 years and there seemed to be a lack of development and I think my progress like other people there would be shit.

3.    ME: And do you think it in anyway disadvantages you by going that way or as you having the opportunity to develop your skills and your understanding without the burden of things like briefs out way that?

Mark: Don’t get me wrong I know how much of a detriment it could be not having a degree initially, like people with degrees may find it easier to get their foot in the door. But I think if you build up a bit of a reputation then they (companies) can’t really say anything and it’s not just like I am drawing things that I see or I like I have forced myself to do things I know are difficult and I’ve been setting myself briefs and put time limits on to do things and it’s kind of the same thing. And I’ve read a lot from artists that if you know the right people and your work speaks for itself then you can do things. And like there had been a lot of people who have taught themselves (he names people like van gough and the famous illustrator Adam Hughes as examples, he also names people like Jimi Hendrix who also taught himself) and I think that if you have the drive and the passion then keep doing it because I think eventually you will get there. If you sidestep or be lazy then you’re never going to get anywhere

ME: (I interrupt) I think regardless of whether or not you go to university its more about how you apply yourself.

Mark: I think the thing is John in creative industries people like Stanley Kubrick didn’t go to film school Ernest Hemmingway didn’t go to university he became a journalist and forced himself into the real world to experience things and learn stuff about himself (this is something we had spoken about often before how much life experiences can shape ideas and creativity, he goes on to quote the significance of the works of Mozart and Kubrick in terms of the influence they have had in their retrospective fields of work and say about how often quotes are clichéd because they are used so much because they are the truth. He uses the quote “genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration” he says about how the will and determination to do something is just as important or maybe more important than the skill and needing the drive to push yourself.

4.    ME: And what do you feel your gaining by doing this? We spoke about how you can study the areas you are interested in which must be easier than being forced to do something  you don’t have an interest in an issue I know many people have with university?

Mark: To be honest I enjoyed the projects I thought they were fun but I didn’t feel they were practical

ME: “You didn’t think you were gaining anything from them”?

Mark: I thought they was childish to be honest I suppose they have to cover a large area of interests but the things is a lot of the time you trying to curry favour from people that unless you’ve got them on your side (the tutors) or your trying to mates with them or them with you, which some people did and got good grades but in my opinion didn’t have very good work then your chasing people who don’t really give a shit because you’re bound to fail because you’re not licking their arse basically. (We both laugh)

5.    ME: So how long do you want to keep doing this?

Well I’ve paid my rent off until next September (his little black terrier dog who rarely leaves his side comes and starts sneezing and trying to attack the flies that have flown through the window on this muggy July day) So at the point I’m going to either get a part time job or become one of the dole scum that populate this area, but to be honest I’m going to just keep doing it until I become a professional at it. And I have friends who have just come out of university who are worrying about getting a job because they want to see something coming from the 3 years they have studied at university for. I think if you’re a creative person you’ve gotta be creative (it’s at this point that I realise how much Mark has settled into the interview and really started to speak openly and perhaps even brutally honestly which is something I admire greatly.) he continues with. “ Even if you write a comic or whatever just to do work, like Damien Hirst wasn’t given a studio really he just went out there and started working.

ME: Do you think it puts extra pressure on you going to university knowing you’ve done it all and spent all that money, to do something maybe more with it?

Mark: Yeah probably (the dog starts to sneeze uncontrollably and Mark looks down in distain at it) Will you shut up dog (we both chuckle) There was a book I was reading not so long ago (another strategically placed sneeze from the dog starts us both laughing again) I’m gonna break your tiny jaw if you do that again you motherfucker (he says jokingly, and begins to tell me how the dog had ate a bee earlier and how it was  probably sneezing up its wings.) I started reading a book which was talking about how people get a degree and then never do anything with it as the degree itself was their mountain to climb. You know you only have a small time to do something in life and if you don’t you’re fucked. It’s like I look at people in my family who have never achieved anything because their lazy or they’ve been too frightened to go for it and I don’t wana be that person I think I’ve been spurred on by other peoples failures. But I wana do something with my life I don’t wana look back when I’m middle aged and say what a fucking waste of time that was. Like a lot of people I know are like that.

6.    ME: Is it hard to keep motivated without working to deadlines like you would at university or is that an advantage in itself? And how would a normal day go?

Mark: Well a normal day, I would get up at 8 then do some sort of exercise like go take the dog for a walk or something. But I guess I’m like every other person I wake up sometimes just want to play with myself and watch telly (we both laugh in acknowledgment as much as anything) Or I will check Facebook or watch the news or whatever but then get straight up and get breakfast get a shower and then maybe just put some music on for a bit just to get me into it and then get to the desk and start working. But like the things is now throughout the month I will do 3 weeks practical work so working on my skills then a week theory like reading about things like semiotics and the history of art things like that. I will take breaks for dinner and tea but will always have a book going to keep myself stimulated.

ME: it’s like you’ve regulated yourself.

Mark: Yeah like I will give myself deadlines a lot like reading a book in a certain time or drawing something every single day for a month. (he talks about how he talks to in keeps in touch with many famous artists such as Joe Cooper, John Arcudi writer of the mask comics, Guy Davis who works on Hellboy, and how a lot of them say about keeping the determination to do something it and practising regularly will eventually reaps its rewards.

7.    ME: And what after this? Where do you hope to move onto?

Mark: In terms of work, I think maybe in 2 and a half years I would like to get my foot in the door of a company or be in an internship. Or go it alone and self—publish my own books or artwork. Or doing commissions and living of that so you don’t have to do something else and compromise that time working on things. Because I think if you’re doing something or working constantly and not putting your full interest into something you can’t expect it to be 100% your best work.

8.    ME: I know when speaking to artists there is often a need to move away especially from places like Hull to places like London, is this something you’ve considered?

Mark: Yeah definitely like I’m not being funny but Hulls a backwater shithole. (He laughs) people who’ve come over from places like Afghanistan as refugees don’t wana stay here cos it’s basically a cess pit of….. shit basically.

ME: Do you think there’s a shortage of jobs.

Mark: Yeah definitely not just in creative industries. Apparently in Hull there’s 14 people applying to one job and that’s a not creative job, that’s just like bar jobs and factory work. As it’s mainly an industrial city there is no much room for creativity. I mean it changing and people like “Fruit”. I mean maybe Hull is the perfect place for people to take advantage of that but when you look at places like London and America, Manchester or France or wherever basically you go where the work is and that’s what you’ve got to do.

ME: that’s what I was going to ask you to be honest. I know a lot of people who are looking abroad for places is that something would consider?

Mark: Yeah definitely but I would only go across if I knew I had a definite job. I wouldn’t go and maybe expect to get a job because people would think why can’t get a job back home. But I would just go wherever the work is to be honest with you.

ME: So it’s not about a personal choice of living somewhere?

Mark: no not at all I would go work in Afghanistan if the right work was there really. (We laugh and he takes a sip of his coffee which has been sat there for some time and has gone cold he pulls a face that shows that puts it down and slides it away from himself.

9.    ME: And where do you see future where would you to go with it? Not necessarily just reality wise but maybe dream wise as well?

Dream wise. Erm (he stops to consider it and comes back with) I don’t know have my own hareem of Asian prostitutes living on Jupiter (we both start laughing)

ME: (I laugh and ask sarcastically) Ok reality wise.

Mark: (continues with where he left off, while laughing) I don’t occasionally firing nuclear missiles at Wales (he laughs and stops to actual consider the question) what if I could actually do whatever I wanted?

ME: (laughing and sensing an on-going theme of where this could lead to) Ok then no reality wise?

Mark: (laughing) No I don’t mean superpowers or something like that. (We both laugh and he stops getting serious again) I don’t know I guess I’m still trying to find my feet with it I suppose I mean I always knew from being a kid I had a talent for it and that I liked and it would probably become the thing that defined me when I got older. I think as a kid I wanted to work on cartoons as most kids who liked drawing at that age would. I think when I got to about 15 or maybe before that I started reading proper novels and then I started getting into graphic novels and thought I would want to do that. But then as I’ve got older I’ve realised that there is so many different things to do potentially do.

ME: So it’s constantly changing as you’ve got older and more aware and interested in different types of art?

Mark: It’s not really changing, like I still have the core ideas of what I want to do. Like I still want to do comic books as its always something I’ve been interested in and that there a medium that hasn’t been explored into as much as they can be and I think it’s like video games as well I think there both things that are being held back by people’s perceptions of them. But I mean over the last few years I’ve really gotten into “proper art” (he says so using his fingers as quotation marks) I say proper art but everything is proper art. I mean I wouldn’t say fine art as that’s a bit of a wankerish term but I mean what is considered as classic art (I nod in understanding to say I’m on the same page as him in terms of what he is trying to say) but I mean like Van Gough and stuff like that and how it can affect lives and countries and society and that’s kind of fascinating to me. I mean in 2 years I will be 26 and I think I would like to have something to show for it by then and have found my feet, Because to be honest I think as I said earlier I think if I have the same drive when I was younger that I do now I think I would already be a professional and I don’t mean that to sound like I’m blowing my own trumpet or being arrogant and just now I know I have the stamina to teach myself and not have the fear of failing because I think that’s a lot of peoples problem when it comes to art or whatever else like music or film failing is part of life and that you have to do it. I suppose university was a failure for me because I didn’t get a degree out of it. But at the same time I knew I was going to fail anyway, not in terms of the course but that I wouldn’t have achieved what I wanted to achieve at the end of it. So (going back to the original question) in general I want to be a professional or a household name even though I feel that there’s not many people who are necessarily household names (he mentions people like Banksy, Damien Hirst and Tracy Emin) but I want to be established I want to be financially comfortable and like anybody I want to be happy in my life. I want to do what I enjoy doing and be paid well for it and be happy and suppose that’s the same for anybody else.

ME: Thank you mate

Mark: it’s alright (he goes for a  victorious sip of his coffee before remembering its cold and putting it back down in disgust.

Porn and it's educational importance in teaching children manners, household maintenance and car mechanics.

By gosh there's a lot of swearing in porn these days it's always "F me" or "shove your fat C into my A" or "yeah like that you filthy C" and nobody says please or thank you. Its just "Do this" or "do that" or "F me here" it's so impolite. No wonder kids these days have no manners. Who else are they going to learn from? These people should be setting an example to the people that watch! Truly terrible!!! Not like my day where every porn started with a woman facing a predicament such as something is broken, something isn't working, her car has broke down or such and not only would a man come and offer to help but would also satisfy her needs sexually, like a true gentleman! And then always somebody carrying something like a tray or some towels even if the woman's car broke down in a desert there would be a guy with a tray either just nodding in approval or politely getting involved in some way. Ah it's not like the good old days where porn was educational and not just necessitated people's need to masturbate. I learned how to unblock a U bend in a sink how to change a car tyre, air filter, change the oil and help get one out heavy snow! I've learned how to fix an aieral on a tv and the best techniques for cleaning a pool, all vital life lessons that kids of this generation miss out on. And then we wonder why there is a shortage of plumbers and car mechanics. It's a real shame what this generation miss out on.

Much love
JD

I got irked about somebody patronising me about music

Hate it when you ask somebody what kind of music they like and they intentionally name the most obscure bands they know as if in some way trumping your love of Steve wonder. :P And rendering themselves better than you. "oh yeah you probably wont have heard of them called lufata plouts there from a really small farming village in Lithuania they kinda fuse jazz and folk music with a kinda Morris dancing hybrid. They're really big in Greenland, I went to go see them at a festival you probably wouldn't have heard of eith.............CUNT!!!!

My daily advice day 5

The only thing to fear is fear itself. Oh and werewolves
-my daily advice day 5

Daily advice day 4

An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth Is a pretty pointless trade!
-my daily advice day 4

My daily advice day 3

Smile and the world smiles with you. masturbate and you'll be asked leave the library.

Daily advice day 2

Life Is like a box of chocolates, it's nice for a bit then all that's left are the shit ones!
-my daily advice

Life advice

I'm gonna post short daily life advice lines everyday for a bit. This is for today.

"Remember there's no I in team! Unless your a retard. Then you can put an I wherever the fuck you want!"

Im back baby!

Like the husband of a beaten and neglected wife I've been away for a while. Off pursuing middle aged women with yeast infections and gingivitis but full of charm and whimsical stories of their great grand children. But I'm back baby with a handful flowers, stinking of Stella Artois and a hatful of nonsensical ramblings to throw your way you lucky minxes, you!
It started while working on my latest filmmaking pursuits, I started to consider the affect film and filmmaking has had on me. Realising I can't watch a film without picking any potential pitfalls or good camera shots etc I realised what a terrible date I must be meaning the cinema isn't a viable option to get my end away with any unfortunate female foolish enough to agree to accompany me on a prearranged outing to any stereotypical dating location. I realised the terrifying depth of my passion for film when watching porn and becoming more engrossed in the vague storyline that supported a sexual encounter between a female boss and an unemployed male, attending what I now think may have been a fake job interview. The sexual encounter itself went off without a hitch all parties seemed suitably satisfied with the exchange of bodily fluids that accompanied the thrilling climax. Yet I couldn't help but feel short changed as it wasn't confirmed whether the man actually got the job or not. Which was annoying as he showcased his typing skills as she requested not with a keyboard or in any traditional format for testing such skills but this woman seemed a bit of a maverick when it came to filling vacant positions, not only in the company. Nevertheless the interview continued with questions such as "you need to be able to handle big packages?" which is understandable for a package delivery company. In which the male responded in the very professional "well i'm used to dealing with big packages as I have one of my own". Excellent I thought, prior experience in package handling will stand him in good stead for this job. He then proceeded to give her his big package in a way in which would would seem alien to most package delivery personal and certainly not the way Royal mail work, not as I've experiences at least. Yet still, after all this, she still never confirmed whether he had got the job or would even be receiving a callback which suggested her standards are higher then her loose attitudes toward sex would suggest. Which must be disappointing because I couldn't even got a job at ASDA even after sending a letter in support of my application. I would imagine I would be rather vexed having to go through all he did and not got the job but I suppose it's a tough and competitive market out there! In conclusion to all of this, maybe I've been looking for jobs in the wrong place and perhaps I should be looking at parcel delivery companies instead. Who knows I may also get a job, or some kind of JOB, out of it at the very least. It may also lesser the need to go through the awkwardness of the dating process. Or perhaps I've read too much into all this and my next planned trip to the post office will be a huge disappointment.

Much love
JD
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My 2011 round up

2011 In My Silly Words

So the the year is almost over and 2011 has been a huge year for social, political and economic change. Not so much in the England as England has always being a shitty, skint country with social standards set low, as to not disappoint ourselves. The world changed hugely and the question we asked ourselves in England when voting in Tit 1 and Tit 2 is would the leave the poor, poorer and the rich the same as it’s always been. The answer was a predictable yes. Cut after cut like a country wide vasectomy. Left England shooting blanks with the exception of, at more middle eastern countries. Everybody must now work until they die and cull their pets for warmth and nourishment, a decision which angered many reptile owners. So as with most years it started in January.

January

Estonia officially adopted the Eurozone a decision they would quickly come to regret when realising their previous currency of goats and pegs held for more value than the Euro. Sudan held a referendum on independence paving the way for the creation of a new state, which will in no way support election rigging, bribery or any form of militia like the previous ones. After violent protests Tunisian president President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali flees to Saudi Arabia after 23 years in charge two years short of his silver anniversary although he was arrested shortly after for drug trafficking and money laundering meaning he probably wasn’t short on silver or cocaine when he was imprisoned for 35 years.

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Ex Tunisia's president, Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali; Like a chubby Middle Eastern Mr Bean

February

Middle eastern president number two goes down, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, leaving the rest of the middle east panicked to a point that Libya smuggled away its oil in Tupperware boxes in preparation. resulting uncertainty in crude oil output, resulting in prices rising to over 20% over two week period. Thus causing the 2011 energy crisis. A decision which angered David Cameron as now each roasted partridge bathed in tears of university students now cost significantly more. 

March

Bahrain sick of Tunisia and Libya hogging all the overthrown government limelight, pitch in with their version, which seemed at the time to only concern formula 1 fans, outside of Bahrain.

The Bahrain F1 circuit

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/formulaone/article-1359193/Bahrain-Grand-Prix-scrapped-anti-government-protests.html

A 9.1-magnitude earthquake and subsequent tsunami hit the east of Japan, killing 15,840 and leaving another 3,926 missing. It was shocking and terrible. Although if some positives can be taken from it, is that a 7 year old girl befuddled the idiot below.


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Pope Benedict unsucessfully disguising himslf as santa

   

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/apr/22/pope-benedict-stumped-japanese-suffering

Well dealt with…

It finally kicked offf in Libya resulting in the United Nations Security council voting to create a no fly zone over Libya. Something that the UN quickly became tired of after sending in French fighter jets supported by Britain and America on RECONNAISSANCE flights. Which quickly became TACTICAL assaults on key targets of Colonel Gadaffi forces in support of rebel troops. 

April

April was all about the Royal wedding with an estimated 2 billion people tuning in, many hoping a strong gust of wind would lift pippa Middleton’s dress up. For most people it was purely a day off and the added extra Pippa Middleton’s arse fuelling an unsuspecting wank among the dross that was the ceremony was a bonus. Yet for a day that was suggested could have cost the British tax payer anywhere up to £32 million to cover the cost of security. There was a disappointing lack of violence. And considering we were covering some of the cost very few of us actually got invites and the idiots that flocked to the streets to wave cheap plastic flags and get Royally pissed don’t really count. Among the constant use of terms such as “What a great day for Britain” it was easily to get lured into the tediousness of two people who most people couldn’t really give a shit about getting married. Although it wasn’t lost on this guy, he was off his crazy Christian tits on happy.

May

May was a big month for America the Noel Edmonds of the muslim extremists world Osama Bin Laden was found and shot dead in Pakistan, just a short distance away from a military base. So we know now not play hide and seek with Pakistan, there just like them kids who don’t even look leaving you hid in a bush for an hour before you realise they've gone. It was heralded as a great success despite crashing a helicopter and having to set in on fire as to not leave behind any important military information and spending 10 years looking and over 1 trillion dollars in funding the war in Afghanistan on top of the countless lives lost.  To kill an old frail man who could barely walk and was apparently slowing dying. You have to wonder who the real winners were. Because in all honesty 10 years of playing hide and seek against the American and British military must warrant something in the Guinness book of world records.

The European Union also agreed to bail out Portugal to the tune of €78 billion even though Portugal as a whole probably isnt worth€78 billion. Also Ratko Mladić, the man wanted for terrible acts of war crimes and genocide is arrested in Serbia. May turned out to be a big month for capturing arseholes and while America spent 1 trillion on blowing up a desert portugal need  €78 billion for.....some crazy paving.

June

Chile’s Puyehue volcano erupted forcing over 3500 people to evacuate the surrounding area. The explosion resulted in a 10 kilometre high gas column, with winds pushing the ash towards Argentina. The eruption also caused a busy border crossing into Argentina to be closed which showed South Americans reluctance to allow any other white powder other than cocaine to pass between its borders. The eruption did however make for some stunning photos.   

The torture and killing of a 13 year old boy causes Syrian’s to pour into the streets in protest of violent government crackdowns resulting in thousands of deaths and causing people to flee into Turkey. Unfortunately for the Syrian people they have, new and working military equipment unlike the old shit Britain sold to Libya nor do they have anything worth owning resulting in the UN quietly deciding that, “This might be one for the Arab league to sort out”.

July

Avoiding the horrendous Norway massacre for the sake of more uplifting news from July. The first ever synthetic organ transplant was performed. Surgeons in Sweden carried out the world’s first synthetic organ transplant, after scientists in London created an artificial windpipe which was the coated in stem cells from the patient. The greatest thing about it is, it can be made in days, needs no donor nor is there a risk of the organ being rejected. Now if only they could make a synthetic face for Justin Bieber that would make less people want to punch it.

Space shuttle Atlantis successfully lands at the Kennedy Space centre for the last time concluding NASA’s space shuttle program. In its time Atlantis spent nearly a year in space and travelled over 126 million miles during its 33 flights which first launched in 1985. The reason for ending the program was because, in reality America was unable to afford to such missions.  Also all of its rockets now get instantly sent to the Middle East.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-07-21/shuttle-atlantis-arrives-home-in-final-landing/2805168

America was typically, boringly, patriotic about the whole thing

August

Intense rioting and looting occurred throughout London and also spread across other cities in England. The fatal shooting of Mark Duggan was claimed to be the source of the rioting. Many people questioned who were these people carrying out these senseless acts of violence and looting and their motives behind doing so. Simply put, it was chavs and scumbags, who wanted a TV and some new tracksuit pants. Hence why the main focus of the riots where places such as JD sports, Sony centres and Curry’s, while places like M&S and Waterstones where either left un-looted or set on fire. If people where running out of organic farmers markets with armfuls of duck eggs and wild organic artichokes while hurling their flaming cravats at police officers, such questions may have been worth posing, but with people like this.

Who when free to take anything he wanted, chose to take a big bag of budget rice, shows the kind of people of we are dealing with. Perhaps all the Arborio rice had already been looted and ruined his plans to make a tasty risotto, instead he had to make do with paella.    

Also in August Libyan rebels take control of Tripoli, the capital of Libya effectively overthrowing the government and sending Muammar Gaddafi fleeing from his palace.  

Septmember

September brought more, good news for England as CPI (consumer price index) inflation rose to 5.2% in September. Meaning?? As if everything we bought before that wasn’t already expensive enough, it was now a little bit more expensive. CPI had never been higher since it was introduced in 1997. This was prominently down to energy costs with Gas and electricity bills rising 9.9% from the previous month and 18.3% on the year. Simply put England was shagged with everything more expensive including energy prices which cost nearly 19% more. All in the hope of staving of pneumonia and starvation with the ever increasing cost of food. Meaning if you had a dog, cat, or possibly hamster, it was time to skin it for its fur and cook it for its meat.

On a positive note, despite most of the world being completely skint the United Nations launched a $357 million appeal for the victims of the Sindh floods in Pakistan. Which an estimated 434 civilians have been killed, with 5.3 millio­n people and 1,524,773 homes affect­ed.

October

The big news in October was the capture and killing of Mummar Gaddafi in his home town of Sirte, hiding in a small drainage tube like the most amateurish of hide and seek players. (Perhaps advice from Osama Bin Laden could have helped). The National Transitional Council forces took control ending the bloody war. Rebel fighters as they had always seemed to do, possibly only in the eye of foreign journalists, fired bullets in the air in jubilation. Which seemed to have been done from the start of the war. It therefore seemed necessary to ask the question, surely those bullets would have served better use, being shot at the enemy rather than birds and disgruntled kite flying enthusiasts??  But who were we to say, seeing as we were only funding it.      

Israel and the Palestinian militant organization Hamas begin a major prisoner swap, in which the captured Israeli Army soldier Gilad Shalit is released by Hamas in exchange for 1,027 Palestinian and Israeli-Arab prisoners held in Israel, including 280 prisoners serving life sentences for planning and perpetrating terror attacks. Seems like an unfair deal, clearly neither had ever collected Pokemon cards.
Steve Jobs died on October 2^nd after a hard fought battle with cancer he passed away at his home at the age of 56. The founder of Apple the pioneer of great inventions like the Ipod, the Iphone and Ipad, jobs leaves behind a legacy of beautiful and world changing gadgets. Unfortunately he couldn’t get it together to release an iphone 5 before he popped his clogs, leaving everybody stuck with the rather disappointing iphone 4s

Also another European country was bailed out. I forget which one, Greece was short on cheese I think!? And I’m pretty sure Italy was in there somewhere. After Silvio Berlusconi literally spent all the countries money on prostitutes and Bunga Bunga parties, the horny old rapscallion

Silvio Berlusconi. "feel how hard that is!!.......Now this!!"

Silvio Berlusconi. Giving it the, "This is the finger that got this exact reaction!!"

November

Doctor Conrad Murray was found guilty of the involuntary manslaughter of singer Michael Jackson. Murray was sentenced to the maximum sentence allowed under the law and will face four years in prison although with good behaviour will be out within two. America was typically philosophical about the gross negligence that caused his death. Los Angeles County Court Judge Michael Pastor said “There are those who feel Dr Murray is a saint. There are those who feel Dr Murray he is the devil. He’s neither. He’s a human being. He stands convicted of the death of another human being.” If that was the case surely he would deserved a longer sentence. In many jurisdictions such as California, malice may be found if gross negligence amounts to willful or depraved indifference to human life. In such a case, the wrongdoer may be guilty of second degree murder. Surely giving somebody the surgical anaesthetic Propofol to help deal with sleep deprivation is indifference to human life. He allegedly demanded $4.8 million when offered the job before eventually accepting $160,000-a-month. He was, it was said, using the money to help pay for his two medical practises which faced $631,000 in court judgments and he was late paying a $64,000 personal loan and thousands of pounds in child support. And with his $1.2m Las Vegas mansion about to be repossessed, it would have made sense to do a better job of keeping him alive. In all fairness to him, most people would take $160,000-a-month to act like a Doctor.    




December

December brought more flack for David Cameron off most of Europe after he was the only one out of 27 other countries to veto changes in the EU treaty. The changes were designed to form a Fiscal union intended on bring greater economic integration but Britain refused to join the other 26 countries after French President Nicolas Sarkozy angrily refused to give Britain special safeguards for the London and the single market exchange instead insisting they should move toward the single economic government. This left Britain potentially isolated from the rest of Europe. Although in fairness to the dopey, posh, fop, potentially integrating more of Europe’s wealth seems rather stupid seeing as most of Europe has no wealth with the majority of European countries in mass amounts of debt it would seem foolish to potentially take on more of Europe’s debt. A decision that typically angered the French to the point where Nicholas Sarkozy had to be physically restrained and after an unnamed French official said Mr Cameron had behaved ‘like a man at a wife-swapping party who refuses to bring his own wife’, the Prime Minister said: (wihtout sarcasm) ‘I have not and have no plans to attend any wife-swapping parties.’ But who could blame him if you have seen her.

Mrs Cameron

 I think the rest of Europe would veto on that one especially when you look at the women who attend the kind of sex parties the Italians have. 

Bunga Bunga Girl. Or as she was known, Venezuelan number 2

 

In other news Kim Jong-il leader of North Korea since 1994 died at the age of 69 of a heart attack.

Kim Jong-il how he will be remembered, Just chilled as fuck and a full time player 

Millions of North Koreans were “engulfed in indescribable sadness” according to the KNCA state news agency. His son Kim Jong-un was named as his “great successor”. Fears arose when unconfirmed reports from South Korea news agency Yonhap said that the North had test fired a missile off its eastern coast before the announcement of his death although they believed it was unrelated. Kim Jong-il, was known for his strong handed rule over the communist nation but what he was really known for was his heart wrenching performance in this.

Some interesting article about some FACTS About the great man. http://listverse.com/2010/05/30/top-10-crazy-facts-about-kim-jong-il/

Happy New Year

So thats 2011 over with! all thats left is to lay out some new years resloutions. My new years resloutions are to mock everybody elses. so;

1: Your not going to lose weight. Your fat for life! deal with it and go get some cake
2: Your not going to stop drinking your life would be empty and boring without it.
3: Your not going to learn to drive. Your a retard, that's whay they made buses. So people like you aren't responsible for anything more powerful than a microwave.
4: Your not going to meet somebody nice and settle down your a slag and you love the taste of cock, don't ruin it for everybody else.
5: Your not going to stop smoking, That's the only thing from stopping you from having a cock in your mouth.

My genuine resloution is to look at the world in a less mocking way but I suppose that could easily end up being a resloution for 2013 if 2011 is anything to go by.

Much Love

JD

Creator of worlds, drunk and soiled he is our mighty lord

Last night as I lay observantly as the wind whipped mercilessly against my cracked windows, and the whistles penetrated every gap in the ageing frame pushing my curtains outwards. I slipped into a bizarre dream I feel is worthy of a mention. In this dream my bed formed the nucleus of the big bang, electric blue clouds spun vehemently in a swirl of tornado like wind and flashes of blinding blue lighting crashed around me. My bed beneath cracked and split under the pressure before a huge flash of light sent everything including myself flying into millions of pieces into the dark forming planets and moons in its wake. I awoke and arrogantly assumed that this could only mean that my mere existence brought to life another galaxy. It was at this point I leant out to take a victorious sip of water from the side of my bed leaning to too far out I rolled gracefully from my bed knocking over said water and a half drank can of Stella. It was at this point I felt that my existence was purely biological and the result of nothing but human nature. This stark reality hit home poignantly as I lay there with the warm larger carving its way through my crack of my arse like the forming of a great river. The striking reality of my drunkenness hit home and the realisation that my dream with not a primordial dream so powerful it formed universes but rather a drunken fantasy formed through regular over excessive alcohol consumption. I was not a god but rather more likely somebody experiencing the first signs of brain damage. I awoke this morning clinging naked and cold to a pair of stained boxers for warmth fragile and weak like a new born baby, like the first child in the bountiful Garden of Eden. The wind outside had calmed and I proceeded to the window flinging the curtains open and forcing the windows open I presented my limp body to this new fledgling world (and my old extremely catholic neighbour) and embraced an air that seemed so pure it could easily have been the first breath drawn of a new world. Which then posed the question? Drunken idiot??? Or mighty god????