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So for the last three days I’ve been struck ill, symptoms
include, sore throat, ear ache, sinus pressure runny nose, sleep deprivation and
general boredom. As is often the case the first day to day and a half are a
mixture of joy and pain, the joy of croakily vetoing any responsibility for
anything due to the huge illness your plagued with, while joyfully catching up
on TV, and scoffing hob nobs, as there good for such ailments. On that list
include; strike back project dawn, a kind of sexy British version of the
program “24”. The beginning always starts with, “This program contains
violence, swearing and sexual scenes which some viewers may find offensive”. Or
in reality the only reason “VIEWERS” are watching it In the first place. The
full show is mainly a sequence of different breasts and explosions. Sometimes
even breasts get blown up which is obviously a real treat and just genius
writing.
After
TV is caught up on I started on the DVDs and films that had either been sat in
the DVD shelf or hogging space on the sky box. Submarine awesome, skyline,
(horrendous) the black guy dying first isn’t usually a stereotype I really pay
attention to, but when that black guy is turk, from scrubs, then already I have
issues with the film. The rest is just some bloke and women who’s up the duff
running from the inside of a building to the outside and vice versa like they have
some skin afflictions sensitive to the sun and aliens that have clearly
just been stolen off the computers of “the war of the worlds” . Eventually
though after eating my weight in medicinal biscuits and watching TV to the
point my arse physically hurt from being sat on it for so long, boredom started
to set in. Not even the distraction of the update for iphone which took 5 hours
to do was enough. Truly a sense of mental degradation was occurring. Then it
came, the snapping point when all previous thoughts and ideals of sanity were abandoned.
After watching a bit of “My left foot” on DVD I switched it off to discover
loose women was on the channel I had left it on. Unable to scream profanities at
these menopausal, menstruating idiots and with the remote too far away to reach
I flung my limp arse and now body to the floor in a way Daniel Day Lewis and
Christy Brown would have been proud of, reaching for a rogue crayon left by my rapscallion
of a nephew. I clasped the crayon strongly between my toes reaching for the
control with my mouth almost simultaneously scribbling with my foot the word “CUNTS”
on the back of a “readers digest” envelope holding it up proudly to the TV with
my other foot, while smashing my face
into the TV guide button on the remote. The sense of pride was only coupled
with relief when the guide popped up and the sound of their shrill voices rescinded
from my head and all thoughts about periods and such slowly evaporated.
After a
while I came to thinking what other things could I do using only my feet. And
in honour of dear old Christy I put to myself a set of challenges based around
every day household tasks to be completed mainly using my feet. These
included; emptying the wash basket and putting a wash on, making a cup of tea, polishing
and wiping tops down, vacuuming could wait for another day and an improvement
of skills. The plan was ready and the day was set. I thought I’d start easy
with the polishing, it turns out it’s pretty easy to put a cloth between your
feet and flick it across a table especially having already mastered writing the
word “CUNTS”. Next was putting a wash on. This again was easy for such a master
of such skills. Picking up socks and shirts with your feet is easy enough;
loading it into the washing machine was a doddle. I just prayed we had tablets
and not gel or powder or all that polishing may be rendered pointless and
things could have got messy. Flicking the cupboard open with my big toe
revealed tablets, SUCESSS!! slotting one in the drawer and pressing the on
button was all but a formality. Then the true test came, the making of the tea,
the risk of burns, the spilling of milk the risk of a mass sugary destruction
of the now clean surfaces………………………... A smashed cup and two shelves of food
spread across the kitchen floor later and i decided to call it a day. What tomorrow bring is another matter though, maybe rescue a child from a building with my talon like toes and my new found skills. Who knows!!!
At the time I chose to believe this particular failure was due to not wearing my lucky flu hat, my bobbly, tasselled mistress. She clings to my head seductively caressing and warming the aching extremities that are my ears she has rarely left my head in the last 3 days even in bed we cuddle up together and in the morning she is still there unlike some of them slutty hats that leave in the middle of the night. I do love this hat I think I may have to make the commitment to her and be seen publicly together, it’s the least I can do for her. That is, as soon as I’m allowed out of quarantine.
At the time I chose to believe this particular failure was due to not wearing my lucky flu hat, my bobbly, tasselled mistress. She clings to my head seductively caressing and warming the aching extremities that are my ears she has rarely left my head in the last 3 days even in bed we cuddle up together and in the morning she is still there unlike some of them slutty hats that leave in the middle of the night. I do love this hat I think I may have to make the commitment to her and be seen publicly together, it’s the least I can do for her. That is, as soon as I’m allowed out of quarantine.
Much love
JD
