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2011 In My Silly Words
So the the year is almost over and 2011 has been
a huge year for social, political and economic change. Not so much in the
England as England has always being a shitty, skint country with social
standards set low, as to not disappoint ourselves. The world changed hugely and
the question we asked ourselves in England when voting in Tit 1 and Tit 2 is would the leave
the poor, poorer and the rich the same as it’s always been. The answer was a
predictable yes. Cut after cut like a country wide vasectomy. Left England
shooting blanks with the exception of, at more middle eastern countries.
Everybody must now work until they die and cull their pets for warmth and
nourishment, a decision which angered many reptile owners. So as with most
years it started in January.
January
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| Ex Tunisia's president, Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali; Like a chubby Middle Eastern Mr Bean |
February
Middle eastern president number
two goes down, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, leaving the rest of the middle
east panicked to a point that Libya smuggled away its oil in Tupperware boxes
in preparation. resulting uncertainty in crude oil output, resulting in prices
rising to over 20% over two week period. Thus causing the 2011 energy crisis. A
decision which angered David Cameron as now each roasted partridge bathed in
tears of university students now cost significantly more.
March
Bahrain sick of Tunisia and Libya
hogging all the overthrown government limelight, pitch in with their version,
which seemed at the time to only concern formula 1 fans, outside of Bahrain.  |
| The Bahrain F1 circuit |
A 9.1-magnitude earthquake and subsequent tsunami hit the east of Japan, killing 15,840 and leaving another 3,926 missing. It was shocking and terrible. Although if some positives can be taken from it, is that a 7 year old girl befuddled the idiot below.
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| Pope Benedict unsucessfully disguising himslf as santa |
Well dealt with…
It finally kicked offf in Libya resulting in the United Nations Security council voting to create a no fly zone over Libya. Something that the UN quickly became tired of after sending in French fighter jets supported by Britain and America on RECONNAISSANCE flights. Which quickly became TACTICAL assaults on key targets of Colonel Gadaffi forces in support of rebel troops.
April
May was a big month for America the
Noel Edmonds of the muslim extremists world Osama Bin Laden was found and shot
dead in Pakistan, just a short distance away from a military base. So we know
now not play hide and seek with Pakistan, there just like them kids who don’t even
look leaving you hid in a bush for an hour before you realise they've gone. It was heralded as a great success despite crashing a helicopter and
having to set in on fire as to not leave behind any important military information
and spending 10 years looking and over 1 trillion dollars in funding the
war in Afghanistan on top of the countless lives lost. To kill an old frail man who could barely walk
and was apparently slowing dying. You have to wonder who the real winners were.
Because in all honesty 10 years of playing hide and seek against the American and British military must warrant something
in the Guinness book of world records.
The European Union also agreed to bail
out Portugal to the tune of €78 billion even though Portugal as a whole probably isnt worth€78 billion. Also Ratko Mladić, the man wanted for terrible acts of war
crimes and genocide is arrested in Serbia. May turned out to be a big month for
capturing arseholes and while America spent 1 trillion on blowing up a desert portugal need €78 billion for.....some crazy paving.
June
Chile’s Puyehue volcano erupted
forcing over 3500 people to evacuate the surrounding area. The explosion
resulted in a 10 kilometre high gas column, with winds pushing the ash towards
Argentina. The eruption also caused a busy border crossing into Argentina to be
closed which showed South Americans reluctance to allow any other white powder
other than cocaine to pass between its borders. The eruption did however make
for some stunning photos.
The torture and killing of a 13
year old boy causes Syrian’s to pour into the streets in protest of violent
government crackdowns resulting in thousands of deaths and causing people to flee
into Turkey. Unfortunately for the Syrian people they have, new and working military
equipment unlike the old shit Britain sold to Libya nor do they have anything
worth owning resulting in the UN quietly deciding that, “This might be one for
the Arab league to sort out”.
July
Avoiding the horrendous Norway massacre
for the sake of more uplifting news from July. The first ever synthetic organ
transplant was performed. Surgeons in Sweden carried out the world’s first synthetic organ transplant,
after scientists in London created an artificial windpipe which was the coated in
stem cells from the patient. The greatest thing about it is, it can be made in
days, needs no donor nor is there a risk of the organ being rejected. Now if
only they could make a synthetic face for Justin Bieber that would
make less people want to punch it.
America was typically, boringly, patriotic about the whole thing
August
Intense rioting
and looting occurred throughout London and also spread across other cities in
England. The fatal shooting of Mark Duggan was claimed to be the source of the
rioting. Many people questioned who were these people carrying out these
senseless acts of violence and looting and their motives behind doing so. Simply put, it was chavs and scumbags, who wanted a TV and some new tracksuit pants.
Hence why the main focus of the riots where places such as JD sports, Sony
centres and Curry’s, while places like M&S and Waterstones where either left
un-looted or set on fire. If people where running out of organic farmers
markets with armfuls of duck eggs and wild organic artichokes while hurling
their flaming cravats at police officers, such questions may have been worth
posing, but with people like this.
Who when free to take anything he wanted,
chose to take a big bag of budget rice, shows the kind of people of we are dealing with.
Perhaps all the Arborio rice had already been looted and ruined his plans to
make a tasty risotto, instead he had to make do with paella.
On a positive note, despite most
of the world being completely skint the United Nations launched a $357 million
appeal for the victims of the Sindh floods in Pakistan. Which an estimated 434 civilians have been killed, with 5.3 million people and 1,524,773 homes affected.
October
The big news in October was the
capture and killing of Mummar Gaddafi in his home town of Sirte, hiding in a
small drainage tube like the most amateurish of hide and seek players. (Perhaps
advice from Osama Bin Laden could have helped). The National Transitional
Council forces took control ending the bloody war. Rebel fighters
as they had always seemed to do, possibly only in the eye of foreign journalists,
fired bullets in the air in jubilation. Which seemed to have been done from
the start of the war. It therefore seemed necessary to ask the question, surely
those bullets would have served better use, being shot at the enemy rather than birds
and disgruntled kite flying enthusiasts??
But who were we to say, seeing as we were only funding it.
Israel and the Palestinian
militant organization Hamas begin a major prisoner swap, in which the captured
Israeli Army soldier Gilad Shalit is released by Hamas in exchange for 1,027
Palestinian and Israeli-Arab prisoners held in Israel, including 280 prisoners
serving life sentences for planning and perpetrating terror attacks. Seems like
an unfair deal, clearly neither had ever collected Pokemon cards.
Steve
Jobs died on October 2nd after a hard fought battle with cancer he
passed away at his home at the age of 56. The founder of Apple the pioneer of
great inventions like the Ipod, the Iphone and Ipad, jobs leaves behind a
legacy of beautiful and world changing gadgets. Unfortunately he couldn’t get
it together to release an iphone 5 before he popped his clogs, leaving
everybody stuck with the rather disappointing iphone 4s
Also another European country was
bailed out. I forget which one, Greece was short on cheese I think!? And I’m
pretty sure Italy was in there somewhere. After Silvio Berlusconi literally
spent all the countries money on prostitutes and Bunga Bunga parties, the horny
old rapscallion
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| Silvio Berlusconi. "feel how hard that is!!.......Now this!!" |
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| Silvio Berlusconi. Giving it the, "This is the finger that got this exact reaction!!" |
November
Doctor Conrad Murray was found guilty of the involuntary manslaughter of singer Michael Jackson. Murray was sentenced to the maximum sentence allowed under the law and will face four years in prison although with good behaviour will be out within two. America was typically philosophical about the gross negligence that caused his death. Los Angeles County Court Judge Michael Pastor said “There are those who feel Dr Murray is a saint. There are those who feel Dr Murray he is the devil. He’s neither. He’s a human being. He stands convicted of the death of another human being.” If that was the case surely he would deserved a longer sentence. In many jurisdictions such as California, malice may be found if gross negligence amounts to willful or depraved indifference to human life. In such a case, the wrongdoer may be guilty of second degree murder. Surely giving somebody the surgical anaesthetic Propofol to help deal with sleep deprivation is indifference to human life. He allegedly demanded $4.8 million when offered the job before eventually accepting $160,000-a-month. He was, it was said, using the money to help pay for his two medical practises which faced $631,000 in court judgments and he was late paying a $64,000 personal loan and thousands of pounds in child support. And with his $1.2m Las Vegas mansion about to be repossessed, it would have made sense to do a better job of keeping him alive. In all fairness to him, most people would take $160,000-a-month to act like a Doctor.
December
December brought more flack for David Cameron off most of Europe
after he was the only one out of 27 other countries to veto changes in the EU
treaty. The changes were designed to form a Fiscal union intended on bring
greater economic integration but Britain refused to join the other 26 countries
after French President Nicolas Sarkozy angrily refused to give Britain special
safeguards for the London and the single market exchange instead insisting they
should move toward the single economic government. This left Britain
potentially isolated from the rest of Europe. Although in fairness to the
dopey, posh, fop, potentially integrating more of Europe’s wealth seems rather stupid
seeing as most of Europe has no wealth with the majority of European countries
in mass amounts of debt it would seem foolish to potentially take on more of
Europe’s debt. A decision that typically angered the French to the point where
Nicholas Sarkozy had to be physically restrained and after an unnamed French
official said Mr Cameron had behaved ‘like a man at a wife-swapping party who
refuses to bring his own wife’, the Prime Minister said: (wihtout sarcasm) ‘I have not and have
no plans to attend any wife-swapping parties.’ But who could blame him if you
have seen her.Doctor Conrad Murray was found guilty of the involuntary manslaughter of singer Michael Jackson. Murray was sentenced to the maximum sentence allowed under the law and will face four years in prison although with good behaviour will be out within two. America was typically philosophical about the gross negligence that caused his death. Los Angeles County Court Judge Michael Pastor said “There are those who feel Dr Murray is a saint. There are those who feel Dr Murray he is the devil. He’s neither. He’s a human being. He stands convicted of the death of another human being.” If that was the case surely he would deserved a longer sentence. In many jurisdictions such as California, malice may be found if gross negligence amounts to willful or depraved indifference to human life. In such a case, the wrongdoer may be guilty of second degree murder. Surely giving somebody the surgical anaesthetic Propofol to help deal with sleep deprivation is indifference to human life. He allegedly demanded $4.8 million when offered the job before eventually accepting $160,000-a-month. He was, it was said, using the money to help pay for his two medical practises which faced $631,000 in court judgments and he was late paying a $64,000 personal loan and thousands of pounds in child support. And with his $1.2m Las Vegas mansion about to be repossessed, it would have made sense to do a better job of keeping him alive. In all fairness to him, most people would take $160,000-a-month to act like a Doctor.
December
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| Mrs Cameron |
I think the rest of Europe would veto on that one especially when you look at the women who attend the kind of sex parties the Italians have.
Some interesting article about some FACTS About the great man. http://listverse.com/2010/05/30/top-10-crazy-facts-about-kim-jong-il/
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| Bunga Bunga Girl. Or as she was known, Venezuelan number 2 |
In other news Kim Jong-il leader of North Korea since 1994 died at the age
of 69 of a heart attack.
 |
 |
Millions of North Koreans were “engulfed in indescribable sadness”
according to the KNCA state news agency. His son Kim Jong-un was named as his “great
successor”. Fears arose when unconfirmed reports from South Korea news agency
Yonhap said that the North had test fired a missile off its eastern coast
before the announcement of his death although they believed it was unrelated. Kim Jong-il, was known for his strong handed rule over the
communist nation but what he was really known for was his heart wrenching
performance in this.
Some interesting article about some FACTS About the great man. http://listverse.com/2010/05/30/top-10-crazy-facts-about-kim-jong-il/
Happy New Year
2: Your not going to stop drinking your life would be empty and boring without it.
3: Your not going to learn to drive. Your a retard, that's whay they made buses. So people like you aren't responsible for anything more powerful than a microwave.
4: Your not going to meet somebody nice and settle down your a slag and you love the taste of cock, don't ruin it for everybody else.
5: Your not going to stop smoking, That's the only thing from stopping you from having a cock in your mouth.
My genuine resloution is to look at the world in a less mocking way but I suppose that could easily end up being a resloution for 2013 if 2011 is anything to go by.
Much Love
JD
