Some potential wedding vows unfinished

I will one day stop being lazy and tidy these up, add more and make it into a speech but that won't be anytime soon. So it's as it is.
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*I promise to always love you.
I promise to always perform at least 5 minutes of oral sex on you as foreplay before sex unless we haven't showered, were drunk or if I have an ulcer or other affliction that may effect my mouth or jaw area.

*I promise to always listen and cherish you.
Unless your being your typical moody self and bitching about everything or your menstruating and acting like a psychotic wanker!

*I promise to love you until we are old and grey or until you get fat and start growing facial hair. Or start listening to somebody like Michael Buble, watching loose women and stop making an effort in what you look like.

*I promise to always take care of you
Unless you get so fat that you have to winched in and out of a reinforced bath or can only be washed while still in bed with a rag.

*I promise to always respect your opinion
Until your quickly and inevitably wrong or you start watching sex in the city as that instantly vetos any opinion you may have about anything.

*I will always think of you first
Especially when I've come in late from a night out and drunkenly voided my bowels.
I promise to try and not fall up the stairs and will sleep in the bath as not to wake you.

*I promise to hold you when your sad
Unless its over a romantic comedy, to which I will repeat that I insisted we watched robocop in the first place.

*I will raise a beautiful family with you
Unless that child is a wrong un then we can sell it madonna and try again.

*I promise to laugh with you and at you to cheer myself up when I'm feeling down.

*From the moment I set my eyes on you I knew you was the one for me you could drink your own body weight in WKD's and still locate the nearest take away and finish close to three quarters of a kebab before vomiting on yourself.

*I promise to laugh when you laugh. Smile when you smile. Cry when you cry and only fart loudly and masturbate while you sleep.

*I promise to always love you for you and ensure that i hide it, so you never find my collection of midget and bestiality porn!