The development from a child to an adult and its many disappointments

Your expectation changes as you grow up from the very childish ideas of what life is, from being a child to harsh reality of what life actually is when you start to grow up.

You start at nursery where everything’s great everything is the colour of a rainbow and every wall has a badly drawn winnie the pooh on it, taken from the eye of somebody who failed at art college.

Then you move up to big school where you have to start to learn, which is fun for a bit until you start to wish you was back in nursery were you could piss yourself as often as you like drink a gallon of Ribena and run at the winnie the pooh wall all day. But even big school seems fun as you start to become more aware of things outside of that and you start to believe you could be spiderman and everybody is too polite to tell you they wasn’t sure you was ever going to walk or stop pissing the bed. Your parents had started buying you McDonalds wallpaper to give you something to aspire to be when you grow up. But nobody corrects a child at that age so everybody will say of course you can become a footballer never mind that you were born with bandy legs and walk everywhere like you’re in a western film. And then you become cocky as a child and confused with reality you start telling people I’m going become a footballer…….on mars and wolverine will be in goal and we will win the universe cup beating darth vadar and everybody from the lion king. But parents wouldn’t correct that child for being an idiot “aaw he’s very imaginative….. he’s’ a moron and you’re not helping.

Then you get to secondary school and hormones start to kick in and you start to think I’m not going to be a footballer…….im going to be the world’s greatest love maker and you spend your entire time chasing girls with your bandy legs promising them the great time they and your one pubic hair could have and being beaten by the tougher boys with their actual penises, mocking your triumphant prawn in a cocktail of two curly pubes you still hide under your spiderman pants while they chase you whipping you with a wet towel while the suspicious PE teacher, with the unnecessarily short, shorts watches on.

If you go to college you start believing you’re an academic who was stifled by the conventions of public school and you’re going to become the greatest at whatever, of the easier subjects you chose, like the……greatest sports scientist the world has ever seen. You will discover whole series of muscles previously unknown to humans, which will allow a footballer the leap from a third floor window, of his teammates wife’s bedroom while remaining unharmed. But you start to realise, how much you miss secondary school and its simplicity and how you’ve let down the 15 year old version of you by not becoming the world’s greatest love maker…unless your hand is responsible for giving out the nominations. Because now, you know that everybody else is doing it, so you to must have a responsible adult relationship which, when your that age means the only conversation you do have is how long your partner is willing to wait before she will allow you to dry hump her again. And you miss that idea of a relationship you had at school, were a relationship would last 20 minutes of fingering the new girl behind the bike sheds before she moved on the next one in the queue.

People who go on to university become ridiculous creatures full of self-loving idiocy, they’re going to change the world and take a gap year teaching kids in Uganda without TV’s about the importance Mark Whalberg has played in the history of film. You become some ridiculous idea of what adult and working life actually is. Until you realise you’ve spent 3 years studying a subject you’ve gradually lost any passion for and have pissed and vomited on yourself in front of more strangers then you had at nursery, at university parties. You realise everything you said you was going to do with your life, was decided at 4 o’clock in the morning after a night drinking Tesco value vodka with a load of other idiots whose every decision is based around getting high in listening to Bob Marley. “Let’s move to Estonia we can start our own rap/ morris dancing band and just get high every day”. "Let’s move to Greenland..we can track polar bears. And get high all day. My cousin did it during his gap year until he lost a testicle to frost bite trying shag seal, while high as fuck.”

You know you’re going to leave university get a shit office job that’s barely related to what you did there and work until you retire at 206 where all that’s left of you, is a brain that’s connected to a computer that speaks for you…..Which people can also play tetris on.