Acceptable and unacceptable statements. Statement number one

I think in the light of all the recent abuse claims I thought it may be useful to explain the difference between acceptable and unacceptable statements.
Statement number 1:

"Emma Watson is hot"
Acceptable

"Emma Watson is hot...in the first Harry potter film.
Unacceptable.

Some potential wedding vows unfinished

I will one day stop being lazy and tidy these up, add more and make it into a speech but that won't be anytime soon. So it's as it is.
-
*I promise to always love you.
I promise to always perform at least 5 minutes of oral sex on you as foreplay before sex unless we haven't showered, were drunk or if I have an ulcer or other affliction that may effect my mouth or jaw area.

*I promise to always listen and cherish you.
Unless your being your typical moody self and bitching about everything or your menstruating and acting like a psychotic wanker!

*I promise to love you until we are old and grey or until you get fat and start growing facial hair. Or start listening to somebody like Michael Buble, watching loose women and stop making an effort in what you look like.

*I promise to always take care of you
Unless you get so fat that you have to winched in and out of a reinforced bath or can only be washed while still in bed with a rag.

*I promise to always respect your opinion
Until your quickly and inevitably wrong or you start watching sex in the city as that instantly vetos any opinion you may have about anything.

*I will always think of you first
Especially when I've come in late from a night out and drunkenly voided my bowels.
I promise to try and not fall up the stairs and will sleep in the bath as not to wake you.

*I promise to hold you when your sad
Unless its over a romantic comedy, to which I will repeat that I insisted we watched robocop in the first place.

*I will raise a beautiful family with you
Unless that child is a wrong un then we can sell it madonna and try again.

*I promise to laugh with you and at you to cheer myself up when I'm feeling down.

*From the moment I set my eyes on you I knew you was the one for me you could drink your own body weight in WKD's and still locate the nearest take away and finish close to three quarters of a kebab before vomiting on yourself.

*I promise to laugh when you laugh. Smile when you smile. Cry when you cry and only fart loudly and masturbate while you sleep.

*I promise to always love you for you and ensure that i hide it, so you never find my collection of midget and bestiality porn!

How to make a woman love you tip 1

How to make a woman love you.
Tip 1
Buy flowers. It may seem old fashioned but flowers always work. The bigger, bolder, more exuberant and more expensive, the better. Then simply hide a tiny cat shit in the middle of it, so it's not visible to the naked eye. And when she recoils in horror at the stench, when she takes a breath into the beautiful bouquet. Simply say "looks aren't everything, love stinks and life can be shit, so marry me!!!" guaranteed to work without fail, and if it somehow does fail it was probably never meant to be in the first place.

The simple idea I believe love is all about

Love isn't at first sight! Love isn't an instant overwhelming feeling of one person truly being for you. Its not found in the throws of an unsuspected moment of passion. Its not found in the eyes or in the comfort of a persons presence. Its not formed in any amount of beautiful words, a song or a single moment. Love and true love is discovered down the line. when such moments have faded, but the lasting love, is your partner feeling your erect penis in their back, and not only, not taking offence to it, but giving a sleepy reach around so you can both sleep in peace.
That to me, is the true definition of love.

A post without any reference to penis's is a great achievement for me!

It was a blur, but a joyous one, the likes of which only fleeting moments of clarity occur, but leave burned somewhere subconsciously.
Burned in some deep place that seemed lost before her presence evoked.. something.. Many things, all great emotions. sadness, loss, fear, joy, then. a smile.. a kiss.. the flash of a footprint left in the sand, the last remnants of a beautiful memory that had long but faded. It was all there, but wouldn't form anything clear, as all good love should, it crashed together everything that had been before, but everything that had formed him. battle scarred but still complete, with a heart that beats for her now, arose the noble man, once lost, clenching the hand that pulls him from that cavernous place and holding it, eternally.

me and mark sat down and talked about all things art, the shitness of university and the "cesspit" that is hull. (first draft they will be mistakes)

I arrive at the gate of marks house, his spacious backyard in full bloom under one of few days of the summer so far where the sun sits high in the sky and finally warms what has been a torrid few weeks of almost constant rain. Sat on a sunbed with a book about semiotics in his hand a bunch of papers and several pencils sit on the floor beside him. I go to open the gate and Mark peers above his book before his little black terrier peanut comes flying out the open hallway door. Bounding towards me as I tentatively open the gate he jumps up excitedly “PEANUT” yells mark as he lifts himself out of the sunbed and approaches tapping me on the shoulder and asking in his typical friendly “Alright man”.  I follow him into the house and into the kitchen where he starts to fill the kettle with water. “Brew?” he asks and I nod in approval. We stand a chat for a while as the kettle rattles and bubbles away in the corner. It clicks off and Mark prepares himself a strong cup of black coffee and me a cup of tea and we head upstairs into a back room. The back room has become his drawing and study area in which sits a full professional drawing desk, a large shelving unit packed to the brim with comics, graphic novels and art books. In the corner sits a thick pillowed green chair which he uses to read in and the other corner a computer and desk. I make my way towards the comfy looking green chair taking with me some of his recent work and starting to flick through it as we chat. Mark cuts a completely different figure to the one of only several months’ back, struggling with the frustrations of his university course he chose to leave to work on his drawing skills and understanding of all things art. His work reflects this hugely and the progress made from the early days after he quit and to now is remarkable. Without the burden of university which he felt was stifling his progress. His work is unique, intriguing and wonderfully done, with the same oddness and jovialness that he has always drawn with returning to him. Allowing him the freedom to study his passion in his own way has in no doubt paid off. Yet as he acknowledges it is a risk to find your feet in such a demanding business without a degree but like me he believes ability should speak for itself. Mark sits down with me to answer such questions in his typically and almost brutally honest but always humorous manner.

1.    ME: So we’ve talked about how you almost teaching yourself instead of going through a university, what was your reasoning for this?

Mark: well basically I was there previously but dropped out the first time because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do it. And then when I returned the second time I felt that, especially from talking to people and starting to realise for myself that people don’t really care (in regard to the tutors) so I thought I’m not going to spend 3 years of life and however many thousands of pounds it is to be taught by a load of apathetic people (when speaking to mark previously I had always felt that he struggled to get what are clearly unique ideas across to his tutors which he clearly found frustrating)-he continues; so I thought if I’m going to learn anything I’m going to have to teach myself that’s how I’ve always done it from school and right up to university. And I feel that everything I have ever really learnt is from teaching myself and I feel if I had the same drive I do now as I did when I was younger I would already be in a company or a good job because (he mentions the pictures of two self-portraits he has done. One which he did after he just left university for the second time and one more recently and the difference in terms of quality, all through what he has taught himself about everything about drawing and art and general practise is clear to see)

2.    ME: So you went through the university process but it wasn’t for you what didn’t you like about it?-about being restricted by briefs and not feeling like you were learning?

Mark: Erm basically I didn’t think I was learning anything even though I was only there 5 months but I started to look at the work of people who’ve been there 3 years and there seemed to be a lack of development and I think my progress like other people there would be shit.

3.    ME: And do you think it in anyway disadvantages you by going that way or as you having the opportunity to develop your skills and your understanding without the burden of things like briefs out way that?

Mark: Don’t get me wrong I know how much of a detriment it could be not having a degree initially, like people with degrees may find it easier to get their foot in the door. But I think if you build up a bit of a reputation then they (companies) can’t really say anything and it’s not just like I am drawing things that I see or I like I have forced myself to do things I know are difficult and I’ve been setting myself briefs and put time limits on to do things and it’s kind of the same thing. And I’ve read a lot from artists that if you know the right people and your work speaks for itself then you can do things. And like there had been a lot of people who have taught themselves (he names people like van gough and the famous illustrator Adam Hughes as examples, he also names people like Jimi Hendrix who also taught himself) and I think that if you have the drive and the passion then keep doing it because I think eventually you will get there. If you sidestep or be lazy then you’re never going to get anywhere

ME: (I interrupt) I think regardless of whether or not you go to university its more about how you apply yourself.

Mark: I think the thing is John in creative industries people like Stanley Kubrick didn’t go to film school Ernest Hemmingway didn’t go to university he became a journalist and forced himself into the real world to experience things and learn stuff about himself (this is something we had spoken about often before how much life experiences can shape ideas and creativity, he goes on to quote the significance of the works of Mozart and Kubrick in terms of the influence they have had in their retrospective fields of work and say about how often quotes are clichéd because they are used so much because they are the truth. He uses the quote “genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration” he says about how the will and determination to do something is just as important or maybe more important than the skill and needing the drive to push yourself.

4.    ME: And what do you feel your gaining by doing this? We spoke about how you can study the areas you are interested in which must be easier than being forced to do something  you don’t have an interest in an issue I know many people have with university?

Mark: To be honest I enjoyed the projects I thought they were fun but I didn’t feel they were practical

ME: “You didn’t think you were gaining anything from them”?

Mark: I thought they was childish to be honest I suppose they have to cover a large area of interests but the things is a lot of the time you trying to curry favour from people that unless you’ve got them on your side (the tutors) or your trying to mates with them or them with you, which some people did and got good grades but in my opinion didn’t have very good work then your chasing people who don’t really give a shit because you’re bound to fail because you’re not licking their arse basically. (We both laugh)

5.    ME: So how long do you want to keep doing this?

Well I’ve paid my rent off until next September (his little black terrier dog who rarely leaves his side comes and starts sneezing and trying to attack the flies that have flown through the window on this muggy July day) So at the point I’m going to either get a part time job or become one of the dole scum that populate this area, but to be honest I’m going to just keep doing it until I become a professional at it. And I have friends who have just come out of university who are worrying about getting a job because they want to see something coming from the 3 years they have studied at university for. I think if you’re a creative person you’ve gotta be creative (it’s at this point that I realise how much Mark has settled into the interview and really started to speak openly and perhaps even brutally honestly which is something I admire greatly.) he continues with. “ Even if you write a comic or whatever just to do work, like Damien Hirst wasn’t given a studio really he just went out there and started working.

ME: Do you think it puts extra pressure on you going to university knowing you’ve done it all and spent all that money, to do something maybe more with it?

Mark: Yeah probably (the dog starts to sneeze uncontrollably and Mark looks down in distain at it) Will you shut up dog (we both chuckle) There was a book I was reading not so long ago (another strategically placed sneeze from the dog starts us both laughing again) I’m gonna break your tiny jaw if you do that again you motherfucker (he says jokingly, and begins to tell me how the dog had ate a bee earlier and how it was  probably sneezing up its wings.) I started reading a book which was talking about how people get a degree and then never do anything with it as the degree itself was their mountain to climb. You know you only have a small time to do something in life and if you don’t you’re fucked. It’s like I look at people in my family who have never achieved anything because their lazy or they’ve been too frightened to go for it and I don’t wana be that person I think I’ve been spurred on by other peoples failures. But I wana do something with my life I don’t wana look back when I’m middle aged and say what a fucking waste of time that was. Like a lot of people I know are like that.

6.    ME: Is it hard to keep motivated without working to deadlines like you would at university or is that an advantage in itself? And how would a normal day go?

Mark: Well a normal day, I would get up at 8 then do some sort of exercise like go take the dog for a walk or something. But I guess I’m like every other person I wake up sometimes just want to play with myself and watch telly (we both laugh in acknowledgment as much as anything) Or I will check Facebook or watch the news or whatever but then get straight up and get breakfast get a shower and then maybe just put some music on for a bit just to get me into it and then get to the desk and start working. But like the things is now throughout the month I will do 3 weeks practical work so working on my skills then a week theory like reading about things like semiotics and the history of art things like that. I will take breaks for dinner and tea but will always have a book going to keep myself stimulated.

ME: it’s like you’ve regulated yourself.

Mark: Yeah like I will give myself deadlines a lot like reading a book in a certain time or drawing something every single day for a month. (he talks about how he talks to in keeps in touch with many famous artists such as Joe Cooper, John Arcudi writer of the mask comics, Guy Davis who works on Hellboy, and how a lot of them say about keeping the determination to do something it and practising regularly will eventually reaps its rewards.

7.    ME: And what after this? Where do you hope to move onto?

Mark: In terms of work, I think maybe in 2 and a half years I would like to get my foot in the door of a company or be in an internship. Or go it alone and self—publish my own books or artwork. Or doing commissions and living of that so you don’t have to do something else and compromise that time working on things. Because I think if you’re doing something or working constantly and not putting your full interest into something you can’t expect it to be 100% your best work.

8.    ME: I know when speaking to artists there is often a need to move away especially from places like Hull to places like London, is this something you’ve considered?

Mark: Yeah definitely like I’m not being funny but Hulls a backwater shithole. (He laughs) people who’ve come over from places like Afghanistan as refugees don’t wana stay here cos it’s basically a cess pit of….. shit basically.

ME: Do you think there’s a shortage of jobs.

Mark: Yeah definitely not just in creative industries. Apparently in Hull there’s 14 people applying to one job and that’s a not creative job, that’s just like bar jobs and factory work. As it’s mainly an industrial city there is no much room for creativity. I mean it changing and people like “Fruit”. I mean maybe Hull is the perfect place for people to take advantage of that but when you look at places like London and America, Manchester or France or wherever basically you go where the work is and that’s what you’ve got to do.

ME: that’s what I was going to ask you to be honest. I know a lot of people who are looking abroad for places is that something would consider?

Mark: Yeah definitely but I would only go across if I knew I had a definite job. I wouldn’t go and maybe expect to get a job because people would think why can’t get a job back home. But I would just go wherever the work is to be honest with you.

ME: So it’s not about a personal choice of living somewhere?

Mark: no not at all I would go work in Afghanistan if the right work was there really. (We laugh and he takes a sip of his coffee which has been sat there for some time and has gone cold he pulls a face that shows that puts it down and slides it away from himself.

9.    ME: And where do you see future where would you to go with it? Not necessarily just reality wise but maybe dream wise as well?

Dream wise. Erm (he stops to consider it and comes back with) I don’t know have my own hareem of Asian prostitutes living on Jupiter (we both start laughing)

ME: (I laugh and ask sarcastically) Ok reality wise.

Mark: (continues with where he left off, while laughing) I don’t occasionally firing nuclear missiles at Wales (he laughs and stops to actual consider the question) what if I could actually do whatever I wanted?

ME: (laughing and sensing an on-going theme of where this could lead to) Ok then no reality wise?

Mark: (laughing) No I don’t mean superpowers or something like that. (We both laugh and he stops getting serious again) I don’t know I guess I’m still trying to find my feet with it I suppose I mean I always knew from being a kid I had a talent for it and that I liked and it would probably become the thing that defined me when I got older. I think as a kid I wanted to work on cartoons as most kids who liked drawing at that age would. I think when I got to about 15 or maybe before that I started reading proper novels and then I started getting into graphic novels and thought I would want to do that. But then as I’ve got older I’ve realised that there is so many different things to do potentially do.

ME: So it’s constantly changing as you’ve got older and more aware and interested in different types of art?

Mark: It’s not really changing, like I still have the core ideas of what I want to do. Like I still want to do comic books as its always something I’ve been interested in and that there a medium that hasn’t been explored into as much as they can be and I think it’s like video games as well I think there both things that are being held back by people’s perceptions of them. But I mean over the last few years I’ve really gotten into “proper art” (he says so using his fingers as quotation marks) I say proper art but everything is proper art. I mean I wouldn’t say fine art as that’s a bit of a wankerish term but I mean what is considered as classic art (I nod in understanding to say I’m on the same page as him in terms of what he is trying to say) but I mean like Van Gough and stuff like that and how it can affect lives and countries and society and that’s kind of fascinating to me. I mean in 2 years I will be 26 and I think I would like to have something to show for it by then and have found my feet, Because to be honest I think as I said earlier I think if I have the same drive when I was younger that I do now I think I would already be a professional and I don’t mean that to sound like I’m blowing my own trumpet or being arrogant and just now I know I have the stamina to teach myself and not have the fear of failing because I think that’s a lot of peoples problem when it comes to art or whatever else like music or film failing is part of life and that you have to do it. I suppose university was a failure for me because I didn’t get a degree out of it. But at the same time I knew I was going to fail anyway, not in terms of the course but that I wouldn’t have achieved what I wanted to achieve at the end of it. So (going back to the original question) in general I want to be a professional or a household name even though I feel that there’s not many people who are necessarily household names (he mentions people like Banksy, Damien Hirst and Tracy Emin) but I want to be established I want to be financially comfortable and like anybody I want to be happy in my life. I want to do what I enjoy doing and be paid well for it and be happy and suppose that’s the same for anybody else.

ME: Thank you mate

Mark: it’s alright (he goes for a  victorious sip of his coffee before remembering its cold and putting it back down in disgust.

Porn and it's educational importance in teaching children manners, household maintenance and car mechanics.

By gosh there's a lot of swearing in porn these days it's always "F me" or "shove your fat C into my A" or "yeah like that you filthy C" and nobody says please or thank you. Its just "Do this" or "do that" or "F me here" it's so impolite. No wonder kids these days have no manners. Who else are they going to learn from? These people should be setting an example to the people that watch! Truly terrible!!! Not like my day where every porn started with a woman facing a predicament such as something is broken, something isn't working, her car has broke down or such and not only would a man come and offer to help but would also satisfy her needs sexually, like a true gentleman! And then always somebody carrying something like a tray or some towels even if the woman's car broke down in a desert there would be a guy with a tray either just nodding in approval or politely getting involved in some way. Ah it's not like the good old days where porn was educational and not just necessitated people's need to masturbate. I learned how to unblock a U bend in a sink how to change a car tyre, air filter, change the oil and help get one out heavy snow! I've learned how to fix an aieral on a tv and the best techniques for cleaning a pool, all vital life lessons that kids of this generation miss out on. And then we wonder why there is a shortage of plumbers and car mechanics. It's a real shame what this generation miss out on.

Much love
JD