Like the husband of a beaten and neglected wife I've been away for a while. Off pursuing middle aged women with yeast infections and gingivitis but full of charm and whimsical stories of their great grand children. But I'm back baby with a handful flowers, stinking of Stella Artois and a hatful of nonsensical ramblings to throw your way you lucky minxes, you!
It started while working on my latest filmmaking pursuits, I started to consider the affect film and filmmaking has had on me. Realising I can't watch a film without picking any potential pitfalls or good camera shots etc I realised what a terrible date I must be meaning the cinema isn't a viable option to get my end away with any unfortunate female foolish enough to agree to accompany me on a prearranged outing to any stereotypical dating location. I realised the terrifying depth of my passion for film when watching porn and becoming more engrossed in the vague storyline that supported a sexual encounter between a female boss and an unemployed male, attending what I now think may have been a fake job interview. The sexual encounter itself went off without a hitch all parties seemed suitably satisfied with the exchange of bodily fluids that accompanied the thrilling climax. Yet I couldn't help but feel short changed as it wasn't confirmed whether the man actually got the job or not. Which was annoying as he showcased his typing skills as she requested not with a keyboard or in any traditional format for testing such skills but this woman seemed a bit of a maverick when it came to filling vacant positions, not only in the company. Nevertheless the interview continued with questions such as "you need to be able to handle big packages?" which is understandable for a package delivery company. In which the male responded in the very professional "well i'm used to dealing with big packages as I have one of my own". Excellent I thought, prior experience in package handling will stand him in good stead for this job. He then proceeded to give her his big package in a way in which would would seem alien to most package delivery personal and certainly not the way Royal mail work, not as I've experiences at least. Yet still, after all this, she still never confirmed whether he had got the job or would even be receiving a callback which suggested her standards are higher then her loose attitudes toward sex would suggest. Which must be disappointing because I couldn't even got a job at ASDA even after sending a letter in support of my application. I would imagine I would be rather vexed having to go through all he did and not got the job but I suppose it's a tough and competitive market out there! In conclusion to all of this, maybe I've been looking for jobs in the wrong place and perhaps I should be looking at parcel delivery companies instead. Who knows I may also get a job, or some kind of JOB, out of it at the very least. It may also lesser the need to go through the awkwardness of the dating process. Or perhaps I've read too much into all this and my next planned trip to the post office will be a huge disappointment.
Much love
JD
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Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Sunday, 25 December 2011
My 2011 round up
2011 In My Silly Words
So the the year is almost over and 2011 has been
a huge year for social, political and economic change. Not so much in the
England as England has always being a shitty, skint country with social
standards set low, as to not disappoint ourselves. The world changed hugely and
the question we asked ourselves in England when voting in Tit 1 and Tit 2 is would the leave
the poor, poorer and the rich the same as it’s always been. The answer was a
predictable yes. Cut after cut like a country wide vasectomy. Left England
shooting blanks with the exception of, at more middle eastern countries.
Everybody must now work until they die and cull their pets for warmth and
nourishment, a decision which angered many reptile owners. So as with most
years it started in January.
January
 |
| Ex Tunisia's president, Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali; Like a chubby Middle Eastern Mr Bean |
February
Middle eastern president number
two goes down, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, leaving the rest of the middle
east panicked to a point that Libya smuggled away its oil in Tupperware boxes
in preparation. resulting uncertainty in crude oil output, resulting in prices
rising to over 20% over two week period. Thus causing the 2011 energy crisis. A
decision which angered David Cameron as now each roasted partridge bathed in
tears of university students now cost significantly more.
March
Bahrain sick of Tunisia and Libya
hogging all the overthrown government limelight, pitch in with their version,
which seemed at the time to only concern formula 1 fans, outside of Bahrain.  |
| The Bahrain F1 circuit |
A 9.1-magnitude earthquake and subsequent tsunami hit the east of Japan, killing 15,840 and leaving another 3,926 missing. It was shocking and terrible. Although if some positives can be taken from it, is that a 7 year old girl befuddled the idiot below.
 |
| Pope Benedict unsucessfully disguising himslf as santa |
Well dealt with…
It finally kicked offf in Libya resulting in the United Nations Security council voting to create a no fly zone over Libya. Something that the UN quickly became tired of after sending in French fighter jets supported by Britain and America on RECONNAISSANCE flights. Which quickly became TACTICAL assaults on key targets of Colonel Gadaffi forces in support of rebel troops.
April
May was a big month for America the
Noel Edmonds of the muslim extremists world Osama Bin Laden was found and shot
dead in Pakistan, just a short distance away from a military base. So we know
now not play hide and seek with Pakistan, there just like them kids who don’t even
look leaving you hid in a bush for an hour before you realise they've gone. It was heralded as a great success despite crashing a helicopter and
having to set in on fire as to not leave behind any important military information
and spending 10 years looking and over 1 trillion dollars in funding the
war in Afghanistan on top of the countless lives lost. To kill an old frail man who could barely walk
and was apparently slowing dying. You have to wonder who the real winners were.
Because in all honesty 10 years of playing hide and seek against the American and British military must warrant something
in the Guinness book of world records.
The European Union also agreed to bail
out Portugal to the tune of €78 billion even though Portugal as a whole probably isnt worth€78 billion. Also Ratko Mladić, the man wanted for terrible acts of war
crimes and genocide is arrested in Serbia. May turned out to be a big month for
capturing arseholes and while America spent 1 trillion on blowing up a desert portugal need €78 billion for.....some crazy paving.
June
Chile’s Puyehue volcano erupted
forcing over 3500 people to evacuate the surrounding area. The explosion
resulted in a 10 kilometre high gas column, with winds pushing the ash towards
Argentina. The eruption also caused a busy border crossing into Argentina to be
closed which showed South Americans reluctance to allow any other white powder
other than cocaine to pass between its borders. The eruption did however make
for some stunning photos.
The torture and killing of a 13
year old boy causes Syrian’s to pour into the streets in protest of violent
government crackdowns resulting in thousands of deaths and causing people to flee
into Turkey. Unfortunately for the Syrian people they have, new and working military
equipment unlike the old shit Britain sold to Libya nor do they have anything
worth owning resulting in the UN quietly deciding that, “This might be one for
the Arab league to sort out”.
July
Avoiding the horrendous Norway massacre
for the sake of more uplifting news from July. The first ever synthetic organ
transplant was performed. Surgeons in Sweden carried out the world’s first synthetic organ transplant,
after scientists in London created an artificial windpipe which was the coated in
stem cells from the patient. The greatest thing about it is, it can be made in
days, needs no donor nor is there a risk of the organ being rejected. Now if
only they could make a synthetic face for Justin Bieber that would
make less people want to punch it.
America was typically, boringly, patriotic about the whole thing
August
Intense rioting
and looting occurred throughout London and also spread across other cities in
England. The fatal shooting of Mark Duggan was claimed to be the source of the
rioting. Many people questioned who were these people carrying out these
senseless acts of violence and looting and their motives behind doing so. Simply put, it was chavs and scumbags, who wanted a TV and some new tracksuit pants.
Hence why the main focus of the riots where places such as JD sports, Sony
centres and Curry’s, while places like M&S and Waterstones where either left
un-looted or set on fire. If people where running out of organic farmers
markets with armfuls of duck eggs and wild organic artichokes while hurling
their flaming cravats at police officers, such questions may have been worth
posing, but with people like this.
Who when free to take anything he wanted,
chose to take a big bag of budget rice, shows the kind of people of we are dealing with.
Perhaps all the Arborio rice had already been looted and ruined his plans to
make a tasty risotto, instead he had to make do with paella.
On a positive note, despite most
of the world being completely skint the United Nations launched a $357 million
appeal for the victims of the Sindh floods in Pakistan. Which an estimated 434 civilians have been killed, with 5.3 million people and 1,524,773 homes affected.
October
The big news in October was the
capture and killing of Mummar Gaddafi in his home town of Sirte, hiding in a
small drainage tube like the most amateurish of hide and seek players. (Perhaps
advice from Osama Bin Laden could have helped). The National Transitional
Council forces took control ending the bloody war. Rebel fighters
as they had always seemed to do, possibly only in the eye of foreign journalists,
fired bullets in the air in jubilation. Which seemed to have been done from
the start of the war. It therefore seemed necessary to ask the question, surely
those bullets would have served better use, being shot at the enemy rather than birds
and disgruntled kite flying enthusiasts??
But who were we to say, seeing as we were only funding it.
Israel and the Palestinian
militant organization Hamas begin a major prisoner swap, in which the captured
Israeli Army soldier Gilad Shalit is released by Hamas in exchange for 1,027
Palestinian and Israeli-Arab prisoners held in Israel, including 280 prisoners
serving life sentences for planning and perpetrating terror attacks. Seems like
an unfair deal, clearly neither had ever collected Pokemon cards.
Steve
Jobs died on October 2nd after a hard fought battle with cancer he
passed away at his home at the age of 56. The founder of Apple the pioneer of
great inventions like the Ipod, the Iphone and Ipad, jobs leaves behind a
legacy of beautiful and world changing gadgets. Unfortunately he couldn’t get
it together to release an iphone 5 before he popped his clogs, leaving
everybody stuck with the rather disappointing iphone 4s
Also another European country was
bailed out. I forget which one, Greece was short on cheese I think!? And I’m
pretty sure Italy was in there somewhere. After Silvio Berlusconi literally
spent all the countries money on prostitutes and Bunga Bunga parties, the horny
old rapscallion
 |
| Silvio Berlusconi. "feel how hard that is!!.......Now this!!" |
 |
| Silvio Berlusconi. Giving it the, "This is the finger that got this exact reaction!!" |
November
Doctor Conrad Murray was found guilty of the involuntary manslaughter of singer Michael Jackson. Murray was sentenced to the maximum sentence allowed under the law and will face four years in prison although with good behaviour will be out within two. America was typically philosophical about the gross negligence that caused his death. Los Angeles County Court Judge Michael Pastor said “There are those who feel Dr Murray is a saint. There are those who feel Dr Murray he is the devil. He’s neither. He’s a human being. He stands convicted of the death of another human being.” If that was the case surely he would deserved a longer sentence. In many jurisdictions such as California, malice may be found if gross negligence amounts to willful or depraved indifference to human life. In such a case, the wrongdoer may be guilty of second degree murder. Surely giving somebody the surgical anaesthetic Propofol to help deal with sleep deprivation is indifference to human life. He allegedly demanded $4.8 million when offered the job before eventually accepting $160,000-a-month. He was, it was said, using the money to help pay for his two medical practises which faced $631,000 in court judgments and he was late paying a $64,000 personal loan and thousands of pounds in child support. And with his $1.2m Las Vegas mansion about to be repossessed, it would have made sense to do a better job of keeping him alive. In all fairness to him, most people would take $160,000-a-month to act like a Doctor.
December
December brought more flack for David Cameron off most of Europe
after he was the only one out of 27 other countries to veto changes in the EU
treaty. The changes were designed to form a Fiscal union intended on bring
greater economic integration but Britain refused to join the other 26 countries
after French President Nicolas Sarkozy angrily refused to give Britain special
safeguards for the London and the single market exchange instead insisting they
should move toward the single economic government. This left Britain
potentially isolated from the rest of Europe. Although in fairness to the
dopey, posh, fop, potentially integrating more of Europe’s wealth seems rather stupid
seeing as most of Europe has no wealth with the majority of European countries
in mass amounts of debt it would seem foolish to potentially take on more of
Europe’s debt. A decision that typically angered the French to the point where
Nicholas Sarkozy had to be physically restrained and after an unnamed French
official said Mr Cameron had behaved ‘like a man at a wife-swapping party who
refuses to bring his own wife’, the Prime Minister said: (wihtout sarcasm) ‘I have not and have
no plans to attend any wife-swapping parties.’ But who could blame him if you
have seen her.Doctor Conrad Murray was found guilty of the involuntary manslaughter of singer Michael Jackson. Murray was sentenced to the maximum sentence allowed under the law and will face four years in prison although with good behaviour will be out within two. America was typically philosophical about the gross negligence that caused his death. Los Angeles County Court Judge Michael Pastor said “There are those who feel Dr Murray is a saint. There are those who feel Dr Murray he is the devil. He’s neither. He’s a human being. He stands convicted of the death of another human being.” If that was the case surely he would deserved a longer sentence. In many jurisdictions such as California, malice may be found if gross negligence amounts to willful or depraved indifference to human life. In such a case, the wrongdoer may be guilty of second degree murder. Surely giving somebody the surgical anaesthetic Propofol to help deal with sleep deprivation is indifference to human life. He allegedly demanded $4.8 million when offered the job before eventually accepting $160,000-a-month. He was, it was said, using the money to help pay for his two medical practises which faced $631,000 in court judgments and he was late paying a $64,000 personal loan and thousands of pounds in child support. And with his $1.2m Las Vegas mansion about to be repossessed, it would have made sense to do a better job of keeping him alive. In all fairness to him, most people would take $160,000-a-month to act like a Doctor.
December
 |
| Mrs Cameron |
I think the rest of Europe would veto on that one especially when you look at the women who attend the kind of sex parties the Italians have.
Some interesting article about some FACTS About the great man. http://listverse.com/2010/05/30/top-10-crazy-facts-about-kim-jong-il/
 |
| Bunga Bunga Girl. Or as she was known, Venezuelan number 2 |
In other news Kim Jong-il leader of North Korea since 1994 died at the age
of 69 of a heart attack.
 |
 |
Millions of North Koreans were “engulfed in indescribable sadness”
according to the KNCA state news agency. His son Kim Jong-un was named as his “great
successor”. Fears arose when unconfirmed reports from South Korea news agency
Yonhap said that the North had test fired a missile off its eastern coast
before the announcement of his death although they believed it was unrelated. Kim Jong-il, was known for his strong handed rule over the
communist nation but what he was really known for was his heart wrenching
performance in this.
Some interesting article about some FACTS About the great man. http://listverse.com/2010/05/30/top-10-crazy-facts-about-kim-jong-il/
Happy New Year
2: Your not going to stop drinking your life would be empty and boring without it.
3: Your not going to learn to drive. Your a retard, that's whay they made buses. So people like you aren't responsible for anything more powerful than a microwave.
4: Your not going to meet somebody nice and settle down your a slag and you love the taste of cock, don't ruin it for everybody else.
5: Your not going to stop smoking, That's the only thing from stopping you from having a cock in your mouth.
My genuine resloution is to look at the world in a less mocking way but I suppose that could easily end up being a resloution for 2013 if 2011 is anything to go by.
Much Love
JD
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Creator of worlds, drunk and soiled he is our mighty lord
Monday, 21 November 2011
Youtube made me get a bit deep!
While looking for a typeface for my next tattoo I discovered a YouTube video that got me thinking about how we can often abandon things we stand for based on the words of others. The tattoo is a quote taken from "on the road" by jack Kerouac, the quote; "life is holy and every moment is precious" it is everything that embodies my mind set and how I live my life dedicated to the pursuit of joy, spirituality and harmony. Knowing they can only be attained when one surrenders themselves to ideals of accepting that the unknown of the future and fragility of life itself means that often securing a positive future starts by embracing the present! It is that torturous feeling that we are guilty of, the "what would have happened" often it's the fear of the unknown sometimes it's a preset of ideas and beliefs that we live by which stops us doing something or taking an opportunity that comes our way. It's not always wrong it's that rationalisation that helps distinguish right and wrong, and good from bad. But it's also that over rationalising that can cause us to miss an opportunity. Often when we look at ourselves to try and understand ourselves it's from two points physically and socially; how we look, what we do as a job, where we live, what we wear all based on possession and material based. Often it's only when we feel down that we look at ourselves deeper reassuring ourselves of our positives, our good nature, honesty, sensitivity etc and insisting that everything else is elementary when considering this. Yet for the most part our lives become a long road of gratifying a selfish material need! Where as often we find when we are acting unselfishly, honestly and true to our nature we gratify a sense of others well being which in turn brings us our own joy. We do this to greater effect when we accept ourselves for who we are completely although this can take a long time and may always be changing if we strive to be and understand our true selves and learn from that then we can start to form the person we want to be from learning who we are and who we aren't.
The YouTube clip was an interview with jack Kerouac and I turned it off deciding that how I picture him is perfectly formed through reading his novels and that his voice for me should only be read and not heard to protect the wonderful innocence of imagination. Deciding to turn it off meant that I kept what his words meant to me and not be effected by the words of others nor the words of the man trying to explain and validate his words to others. The beauty of literacy is that we create the world with our own mind and to see that world presented in other way then how we imagine it often takes away from the beauty of it. The point of all of this is that we should look at ourselves honestly more often and if we have a belief or something we are passionate about we should protect and nurture it we shouldn't let outside influences affect it, only our own self learning and progression, should allow us to revaluate our beliefs and the people we form through them.
The YouTube clip was an interview with jack Kerouac and I turned it off deciding that how I picture him is perfectly formed through reading his novels and that his voice for me should only be read and not heard to protect the wonderful innocence of imagination. Deciding to turn it off meant that I kept what his words meant to me and not be effected by the words of others nor the words of the man trying to explain and validate his words to others. The beauty of literacy is that we create the world with our own mind and to see that world presented in other way then how we imagine it often takes away from the beauty of it. The point of all of this is that we should look at ourselves honestly more often and if we have a belief or something we are passionate about we should protect and nurture it we shouldn't let outside influences affect it, only our own self learning and progression, should allow us to revaluate our beliefs and the people we form through them.
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Day 3 of quarantine! And its all got a bit mental!
So for the last three days I’ve been struck ill, symptoms
include, sore throat, ear ache, sinus pressure runny nose, sleep deprivation and
general boredom. As is often the case the first day to day and a half are a
mixture of joy and pain, the joy of croakily vetoing any responsibility for
anything due to the huge illness your plagued with, while joyfully catching up
on TV, and scoffing hob nobs, as there good for such ailments. On that list
include; strike back project dawn, a kind of sexy British version of the
program “24”. The beginning always starts with, “This program contains
violence, swearing and sexual scenes which some viewers may find offensive”. Or
in reality the only reason “VIEWERS” are watching it In the first place. The
full show is mainly a sequence of different breasts and explosions. Sometimes
even breasts get blown up which is obviously a real treat and just genius
writing.
After
TV is caught up on I started on the DVDs and films that had either been sat in
the DVD shelf or hogging space on the sky box. Submarine awesome, skyline,
(horrendous) the black guy dying first isn’t usually a stereotype I really pay
attention to, but when that black guy is turk, from scrubs, then already I have
issues with the film. The rest is just some bloke and women who’s up the duff
running from the inside of a building to the outside and vice versa like they have
some skin afflictions sensitive to the sun and aliens that have clearly
just been stolen off the computers of “the war of the worlds” . Eventually
though after eating my weight in medicinal biscuits and watching TV to the
point my arse physically hurt from being sat on it for so long, boredom started
to set in. Not even the distraction of the update for iphone which took 5 hours
to do was enough. Truly a sense of mental degradation was occurring. Then it
came, the snapping point when all previous thoughts and ideals of sanity were abandoned.
After watching a bit of “My left foot” on DVD I switched it off to discover
loose women was on the channel I had left it on. Unable to scream profanities at
these menopausal, menstruating idiots and with the remote too far away to reach
I flung my limp arse and now body to the floor in a way Daniel Day Lewis and
Christy Brown would have been proud of, reaching for a rogue crayon left by my rapscallion
of a nephew. I clasped the crayon strongly between my toes reaching for the
control with my mouth almost simultaneously scribbling with my foot the word “CUNTS”
on the back of a “readers digest” envelope holding it up proudly to the TV with
my other foot, while smashing my face
into the TV guide button on the remote. The sense of pride was only coupled
with relief when the guide popped up and the sound of their shrill voices rescinded
from my head and all thoughts about periods and such slowly evaporated.
After a
while I came to thinking what other things could I do using only my feet. And
in honour of dear old Christy I put to myself a set of challenges based around
every day household tasks to be completed mainly using my feet. These
included; emptying the wash basket and putting a wash on, making a cup of tea, polishing
and wiping tops down, vacuuming could wait for another day and an improvement
of skills. The plan was ready and the day was set. I thought I’d start easy
with the polishing, it turns out it’s pretty easy to put a cloth between your
feet and flick it across a table especially having already mastered writing the
word “CUNTS”. Next was putting a wash on. This again was easy for such a master
of such skills. Picking up socks and shirts with your feet is easy enough;
loading it into the washing machine was a doddle. I just prayed we had tablets
and not gel or powder or all that polishing may be rendered pointless and
things could have got messy. Flicking the cupboard open with my big toe
revealed tablets, SUCESSS!! slotting one in the drawer and pressing the on
button was all but a formality. Then the true test came, the making of the tea,
the risk of burns, the spilling of milk the risk of a mass sugary destruction
of the now clean surfaces………………………... A smashed cup and two shelves of food
spread across the kitchen floor later and i decided to call it a day. What tomorrow bring is another matter though, maybe rescue a child from a building with my talon like toes and my new found skills. Who knows!!!
At the time I chose to believe this particular failure was due to not wearing my lucky flu hat, my bobbly, tasselled mistress. She clings to my head seductively caressing and warming the aching extremities that are my ears she has rarely left my head in the last 3 days even in bed we cuddle up together and in the morning she is still there unlike some of them slutty hats that leave in the middle of the night. I do love this hat I think I may have to make the commitment to her and be seen publicly together, it’s the least I can do for her. That is, as soon as I’m allowed out of quarantine.
At the time I chose to believe this particular failure was due to not wearing my lucky flu hat, my bobbly, tasselled mistress. She clings to my head seductively caressing and warming the aching extremities that are my ears she has rarely left my head in the last 3 days even in bed we cuddle up together and in the morning she is still there unlike some of them slutty hats that leave in the middle of the night. I do love this hat I think I may have to make the commitment to her and be seen publicly together, it’s the least I can do for her. That is, as soon as I’m allowed out of quarantine.
Much love
JD
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Popping the Cherry
After the police made it clear that shouting at the kinda twats and twatty like behaviour so very prominent in my city of origin, the beautiful and beguiling Hull. I made the conscious decision to vent my frustrations in a more creative way then hurling my shit from top of statues like some avian like, lunatic. I’ve decided to start blogging more of my thoughts. These will most likely be my uninformed political, spiritual, philosophical and any other thoughts the flutter through my silly little mind. This will most likely be the first of many. And I’ve decided to keep the popping of my blogging virginity short much like my actual virginity. Although I feel less pressured to explain my poor performance or cry, or blame anybody else for this other than my lack of effort, and the distraction of “Mars Attacks” being on TV. An excuse I wish would have passed then like I feel it does now. Expect more filmic references in later blogs, as my genuine passion is film and filmmaking so much so I decided to cripple myself with debt at one of the weakest teaching institutions this country has to offer all in the pursuit of a degree and the joy of wearing that fancy hat, that will no doubt replace the fez I’m currently wearing, as my hat of choice. I’m not that fussed about the gown I would much rather receive my degree naked or sporting the purple leather suit Eddie murphy wore in “Raw”. That is all for now I anticipate something in the very near future will irk me enough that I feel the need to write about it, so expect something soon.
Much love
JD midgley
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