My 2011 round up

2011 In My Silly Words

So the the year is almost over and 2011 has been a huge year for social, political and economic change. Not so much in the England as England has always being a shitty, skint country with social standards set low, as to not disappoint ourselves. The world changed hugely and the question we asked ourselves in England when voting in Tit 1 and Tit 2 is would the leave the poor, poorer and the rich the same as it’s always been. The answer was a predictable yes. Cut after cut like a country wide vasectomy. Left England shooting blanks with the exception of, at more middle eastern countries. Everybody must now work until they die and cull their pets for warmth and nourishment, a decision which angered many reptile owners. So as with most years it started in January.

January

Estonia officially adopted the Eurozone a decision they would quickly come to regret when realising their previous currency of goats and pegs held for more value than the Euro. Sudan held a referendum on independence paving the way for the creation of a new state, which will in no way support election rigging, bribery or any form of militia like the previous ones. After violent protests Tunisian president President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali flees to Saudi Arabia after 23 years in charge two years short of his silver anniversary although he was arrested shortly after for drug trafficking and money laundering meaning he probably wasn’t short on silver or cocaine when he was imprisoned for 35 years.

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Ex Tunisia's president, Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali; Like a chubby Middle Eastern Mr Bean

February

Middle eastern president number two goes down, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, leaving the rest of the middle east panicked to a point that Libya smuggled away its oil in Tupperware boxes in preparation. resulting uncertainty in crude oil output, resulting in prices rising to over 20% over two week period. Thus causing the 2011 energy crisis. A decision which angered David Cameron as now each roasted partridge bathed in tears of university students now cost significantly more. 

March

Bahrain sick of Tunisia and Libya hogging all the overthrown government limelight, pitch in with their version, which seemed at the time to only concern formula 1 fans, outside of Bahrain.

The Bahrain F1 circuit

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/formulaone/article-1359193/Bahrain-Grand-Prix-scrapped-anti-government-protests.html

A 9.1-magnitude earthquake and subsequent tsunami hit the east of Japan, killing 15,840 and leaving another 3,926 missing. It was shocking and terrible. Although if some positives can be taken from it, is that a 7 year old girl befuddled the idiot below.


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Pope Benedict unsucessfully disguising himslf as santa

   

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/apr/22/pope-benedict-stumped-japanese-suffering

Well dealt with…

It finally kicked offf in Libya resulting in the United Nations Security council voting to create a no fly zone over Libya. Something that the UN quickly became tired of after sending in French fighter jets supported by Britain and America on RECONNAISSANCE flights. Which quickly became TACTICAL assaults on key targets of Colonel Gadaffi forces in support of rebel troops. 

April

April was all about the Royal wedding with an estimated 2 billion people tuning in, many hoping a strong gust of wind would lift pippa Middleton’s dress up. For most people it was purely a day off and the added extra Pippa Middleton’s arse fuelling an unsuspecting wank among the dross that was the ceremony was a bonus. Yet for a day that was suggested could have cost the British tax payer anywhere up to £32 million to cover the cost of security. There was a disappointing lack of violence. And considering we were covering some of the cost very few of us actually got invites and the idiots that flocked to the streets to wave cheap plastic flags and get Royally pissed don’t really count. Among the constant use of terms such as “What a great day for Britain” it was easily to get lured into the tediousness of two people who most people couldn’t really give a shit about getting married. Although it wasn’t lost on this guy, he was off his crazy Christian tits on happy.

May

May was a big month for America the Noel Edmonds of the muslim extremists world Osama Bin Laden was found and shot dead in Pakistan, just a short distance away from a military base. So we know now not play hide and seek with Pakistan, there just like them kids who don’t even look leaving you hid in a bush for an hour before you realise they've gone. It was heralded as a great success despite crashing a helicopter and having to set in on fire as to not leave behind any important military information and spending 10 years looking and over 1 trillion dollars in funding the war in Afghanistan on top of the countless lives lost.  To kill an old frail man who could barely walk and was apparently slowing dying. You have to wonder who the real winners were. Because in all honesty 10 years of playing hide and seek against the American and British military must warrant something in the Guinness book of world records.

The European Union also agreed to bail out Portugal to the tune of €78 billion even though Portugal as a whole probably isnt worth€78 billion. Also Ratko Mladić, the man wanted for terrible acts of war crimes and genocide is arrested in Serbia. May turned out to be a big month for capturing arseholes and while America spent 1 trillion on blowing up a desert portugal need  €78 billion for.....some crazy paving.

June

Chile’s Puyehue volcano erupted forcing over 3500 people to evacuate the surrounding area. The explosion resulted in a 10 kilometre high gas column, with winds pushing the ash towards Argentina. The eruption also caused a busy border crossing into Argentina to be closed which showed South Americans reluctance to allow any other white powder other than cocaine to pass between its borders. The eruption did however make for some stunning photos.   

The torture and killing of a 13 year old boy causes Syrian’s to pour into the streets in protest of violent government crackdowns resulting in thousands of deaths and causing people to flee into Turkey. Unfortunately for the Syrian people they have, new and working military equipment unlike the old shit Britain sold to Libya nor do they have anything worth owning resulting in the UN quietly deciding that, “This might be one for the Arab league to sort out”.

July

Avoiding the horrendous Norway massacre for the sake of more uplifting news from July. The first ever synthetic organ transplant was performed. Surgeons in Sweden carried out the world’s first synthetic organ transplant, after scientists in London created an artificial windpipe which was the coated in stem cells from the patient. The greatest thing about it is, it can be made in days, needs no donor nor is there a risk of the organ being rejected. Now if only they could make a synthetic face for Justin Bieber that would make less people want to punch it.

Space shuttle Atlantis successfully lands at the Kennedy Space centre for the last time concluding NASA’s space shuttle program. In its time Atlantis spent nearly a year in space and travelled over 126 million miles during its 33 flights which first launched in 1985. The reason for ending the program was because, in reality America was unable to afford to such missions.  Also all of its rockets now get instantly sent to the Middle East.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-07-21/shuttle-atlantis-arrives-home-in-final-landing/2805168

America was typically, boringly, patriotic about the whole thing

August

Intense rioting and looting occurred throughout London and also spread across other cities in England. The fatal shooting of Mark Duggan was claimed to be the source of the rioting. Many people questioned who were these people carrying out these senseless acts of violence and looting and their motives behind doing so. Simply put, it was chavs and scumbags, who wanted a TV and some new tracksuit pants. Hence why the main focus of the riots where places such as JD sports, Sony centres and Curry’s, while places like M&S and Waterstones where either left un-looted or set on fire. If people where running out of organic farmers markets with armfuls of duck eggs and wild organic artichokes while hurling their flaming cravats at police officers, such questions may have been worth posing, but with people like this.

Who when free to take anything he wanted, chose to take a big bag of budget rice, shows the kind of people of we are dealing with. Perhaps all the Arborio rice had already been looted and ruined his plans to make a tasty risotto, instead he had to make do with paella.    

Also in August Libyan rebels take control of Tripoli, the capital of Libya effectively overthrowing the government and sending Muammar Gaddafi fleeing from his palace.  

Septmember

September brought more, good news for England as CPI (consumer price index) inflation rose to 5.2% in September. Meaning?? As if everything we bought before that wasn’t already expensive enough, it was now a little bit more expensive. CPI had never been higher since it was introduced in 1997. This was prominently down to energy costs with Gas and electricity bills rising 9.9% from the previous month and 18.3% on the year. Simply put England was shagged with everything more expensive including energy prices which cost nearly 19% more. All in the hope of staving of pneumonia and starvation with the ever increasing cost of food. Meaning if you had a dog, cat, or possibly hamster, it was time to skin it for its fur and cook it for its meat.

On a positive note, despite most of the world being completely skint the United Nations launched a $357 million appeal for the victims of the Sindh floods in Pakistan. Which an estimated 434 civilians have been killed, with 5.3 millio­n people and 1,524,773 homes affect­ed.

October

The big news in October was the capture and killing of Mummar Gaddafi in his home town of Sirte, hiding in a small drainage tube like the most amateurish of hide and seek players. (Perhaps advice from Osama Bin Laden could have helped). The National Transitional Council forces took control ending the bloody war. Rebel fighters as they had always seemed to do, possibly only in the eye of foreign journalists, fired bullets in the air in jubilation. Which seemed to have been done from the start of the war. It therefore seemed necessary to ask the question, surely those bullets would have served better use, being shot at the enemy rather than birds and disgruntled kite flying enthusiasts??  But who were we to say, seeing as we were only funding it.      

Israel and the Palestinian militant organization Hamas begin a major prisoner swap, in which the captured Israeli Army soldier Gilad Shalit is released by Hamas in exchange for 1,027 Palestinian and Israeli-Arab prisoners held in Israel, including 280 prisoners serving life sentences for planning and perpetrating terror attacks. Seems like an unfair deal, clearly neither had ever collected Pokemon cards.
Steve Jobs died on October 2^nd after a hard fought battle with cancer he passed away at his home at the age of 56. The founder of Apple the pioneer of great inventions like the Ipod, the Iphone and Ipad, jobs leaves behind a legacy of beautiful and world changing gadgets. Unfortunately he couldn’t get it together to release an iphone 5 before he popped his clogs, leaving everybody stuck with the rather disappointing iphone 4s

Also another European country was bailed out. I forget which one, Greece was short on cheese I think!? And I’m pretty sure Italy was in there somewhere. After Silvio Berlusconi literally spent all the countries money on prostitutes and Bunga Bunga parties, the horny old rapscallion

Silvio Berlusconi. "feel how hard that is!!.......Now this!!"

Silvio Berlusconi. Giving it the, "This is the finger that got this exact reaction!!"

November

Doctor Conrad Murray was found guilty of the involuntary manslaughter of singer Michael Jackson. Murray was sentenced to the maximum sentence allowed under the law and will face four years in prison although with good behaviour will be out within two. America was typically philosophical about the gross negligence that caused his death. Los Angeles County Court Judge Michael Pastor said “There are those who feel Dr Murray is a saint. There are those who feel Dr Murray he is the devil. He’s neither. He’s a human being. He stands convicted of the death of another human being.” If that was the case surely he would deserved a longer sentence. In many jurisdictions such as California, malice may be found if gross negligence amounts to willful or depraved indifference to human life. In such a case, the wrongdoer may be guilty of second degree murder. Surely giving somebody the surgical anaesthetic Propofol to help deal with sleep deprivation is indifference to human life. He allegedly demanded $4.8 million when offered the job before eventually accepting $160,000-a-month. He was, it was said, using the money to help pay for his two medical practises which faced $631,000 in court judgments and he was late paying a $64,000 personal loan and thousands of pounds in child support. And with his $1.2m Las Vegas mansion about to be repossessed, it would have made sense to do a better job of keeping him alive. In all fairness to him, most people would take $160,000-a-month to act like a Doctor.    




December

December brought more flack for David Cameron off most of Europe after he was the only one out of 27 other countries to veto changes in the EU treaty. The changes were designed to form a Fiscal union intended on bring greater economic integration but Britain refused to join the other 26 countries after French President Nicolas Sarkozy angrily refused to give Britain special safeguards for the London and the single market exchange instead insisting they should move toward the single economic government. This left Britain potentially isolated from the rest of Europe. Although in fairness to the dopey, posh, fop, potentially integrating more of Europe’s wealth seems rather stupid seeing as most of Europe has no wealth with the majority of European countries in mass amounts of debt it would seem foolish to potentially take on more of Europe’s debt. A decision that typically angered the French to the point where Nicholas Sarkozy had to be physically restrained and after an unnamed French official said Mr Cameron had behaved ‘like a man at a wife-swapping party who refuses to bring his own wife’, the Prime Minister said: (wihtout sarcasm) ‘I have not and have no plans to attend any wife-swapping parties.’ But who could blame him if you have seen her.

Mrs Cameron

 I think the rest of Europe would veto on that one especially when you look at the women who attend the kind of sex parties the Italians have. 

Bunga Bunga Girl. Or as she was known, Venezuelan number 2

 

In other news Kim Jong-il leader of North Korea since 1994 died at the age of 69 of a heart attack.

Kim Jong-il how he will be remembered, Just chilled as fuck and a full time player 

Millions of North Koreans were “engulfed in indescribable sadness” according to the KNCA state news agency. His son Kim Jong-un was named as his “great successor”. Fears arose when unconfirmed reports from South Korea news agency Yonhap said that the North had test fired a missile off its eastern coast before the announcement of his death although they believed it was unrelated. Kim Jong-il, was known for his strong handed rule over the communist nation but what he was really known for was his heart wrenching performance in this.

Some interesting article about some FACTS About the great man. http://listverse.com/2010/05/30/top-10-crazy-facts-about-kim-jong-il/

Happy New Year

So thats 2011 over with! all thats left is to lay out some new years resloutions. My new years resloutions are to mock everybody elses. so;

1: Your not going to lose weight. Your fat for life! deal with it and go get some cake
2: Your not going to stop drinking your life would be empty and boring without it.
3: Your not going to learn to drive. Your a retard, that's whay they made buses. So people like you aren't responsible for anything more powerful than a microwave.
4: Your not going to meet somebody nice and settle down your a slag and you love the taste of cock, don't ruin it for everybody else.
5: Your not going to stop smoking, That's the only thing from stopping you from having a cock in your mouth.

My genuine resloution is to look at the world in a less mocking way but I suppose that could easily end up being a resloution for 2013 if 2011 is anything to go by.

Much Love

JD