The development from a child to an adult and its many disappointments

Your expectation changes as you grow up from the very childish ideas of what life is, from being a child to harsh reality of what life actually is when you start to grow up.

You start at nursery where everything’s great everything is the colour of a rainbow and every wall has a badly drawn winnie the pooh on it, taken from the eye of somebody who failed at art college.

Then you move up to big school where you have to start to learn, which is fun for a bit until you start to wish you was back in nursery were you could piss yourself as often as you like drink a gallon of Ribena and run at the winnie the pooh wall all day. But even big school seems fun as you start to become more aware of things outside of that and you start to believe you could be spiderman and everybody is too polite to tell you they wasn’t sure you was ever going to walk or stop pissing the bed. Your parents had started buying you McDonalds wallpaper to give you something to aspire to be when you grow up. But nobody corrects a child at that age so everybody will say of course you can become a footballer never mind that you were born with bandy legs and walk everywhere like you’re in a western film. And then you become cocky as a child and confused with reality you start telling people I’m going become a footballer…….on mars and wolverine will be in goal and we will win the universe cup beating darth vadar and everybody from the lion king. But parents wouldn’t correct that child for being an idiot “aaw he’s very imaginative….. he’s’ a moron and you’re not helping.

Then you get to secondary school and hormones start to kick in and you start to think I’m not going to be a footballer…….im going to be the world’s greatest love maker and you spend your entire time chasing girls with your bandy legs promising them the great time they and your one pubic hair could have and being beaten by the tougher boys with their actual penises, mocking your triumphant prawn in a cocktail of two curly pubes you still hide under your spiderman pants while they chase you whipping you with a wet towel while the suspicious PE teacher, with the unnecessarily short, shorts watches on.

If you go to college you start believing you’re an academic who was stifled by the conventions of public school and you’re going to become the greatest at whatever, of the easier subjects you chose, like the……greatest sports scientist the world has ever seen. You will discover whole series of muscles previously unknown to humans, which will allow a footballer the leap from a third floor window, of his teammates wife’s bedroom while remaining unharmed. But you start to realise, how much you miss secondary school and its simplicity and how you’ve let down the 15 year old version of you by not becoming the world’s greatest love maker…unless your hand is responsible for giving out the nominations. Because now, you know that everybody else is doing it, so you to must have a responsible adult relationship which, when your that age means the only conversation you do have is how long your partner is willing to wait before she will allow you to dry hump her again. And you miss that idea of a relationship you had at school, were a relationship would last 20 minutes of fingering the new girl behind the bike sheds before she moved on the next one in the queue.

People who go on to university become ridiculous creatures full of self-loving idiocy, they’re going to change the world and take a gap year teaching kids in Uganda without TV’s about the importance Mark Whalberg has played in the history of film. You become some ridiculous idea of what adult and working life actually is. Until you realise you’ve spent 3 years studying a subject you’ve gradually lost any passion for and have pissed and vomited on yourself in front of more strangers then you had at nursery, at university parties. You realise everything you said you was going to do with your life, was decided at 4 o’clock in the morning after a night drinking Tesco value vodka with a load of other idiots whose every decision is based around getting high in listening to Bob Marley. “Let’s move to Estonia we can start our own rap/ morris dancing band and just get high every day”. "Let’s move to Greenland..we can track polar bears. And get high all day. My cousin did it during his gap year until he lost a testicle to frost bite trying shag seal, while high as fuck.”

You know you’re going to leave university get a shit office job that’s barely related to what you did there and work until you retire at 206 where all that’s left of you, is a brain that’s connected to a computer that speaks for you…..Which people can also play tetris on.

Another thatcher related post

The following are things that are of more concern to me than Margaret thatchers death.

1. The price of Freddos
2. Getting a numb leg from spending too long defecating
3. When will they bring a new Ben and Jerry's flavour out?
4. When will I be able to own an actual light sabre seeing as america have made an actual laser gun?
5. Is Jurassic park scientifically accurate? If so why the fuck don't i own my own T-Rex yet?
6. What ever happened to Cadbury "marble" bars?
7. Will so solid crew ever have a reunion?
8. Why don't more people wear parachute pants?
9. How can i get my hair to be a high top fade like will smith in fresh prince of bell air?
10. Why is it only with crabs, that once the meat is removed do they still present the meat in the shell? Why can't they do that with other animals like using the pigs legs to suspend bacon like a hammock?
11. Will there be a shortage of Nutella and how will that effect global economics if there is, will we fall into a triple dip recession because of it?
12. Is it a hate crime if i call another white man "a fucking cracker" in anger?
13. Can we forgive Michael Barrymore so we can bring back strike it lucky?
14. How much wood could a woodchop chop if he indeed could chop wood?
15. Who buys Ferrero Rocher when it's not Christmas and how does that company keep going?

Margaret thatcher died. The following are the real consequences of this

Margaret thatcher has died and these are the issues I am most concerned with. Nerve mind if she stole milk off people if you can't fight off an old testicle faced bitch for the sake of your milk than you clearly didn't want it enough in the first place and therefore don't deserve it. Plus she never stopped people drinking soya or goats milk! And how many people owned female cats and dogs or knew somebody that was lactating. If people wanted milk so much they should be more astute and find ways to have it. Yet the real tragedy of her death are the following:
*Will I get a useable day off work.
*And has the result of industrial Britain effected climate change to a point in which this potential day off will be warm.
*will my tax money go to sending her off? Couldn't we just leave her in one of the many abandoned houses caused by the collapse of industrial Britain and just leave one of them airwick plug ins that spray so often as so the scent doesn't become too overwhelming.
And more importantly then all of these is will people become confused and think that Meryl Streep has died because that would be a bigger tragedy.

Acceptable and unacceptable statement 2

The water park is my favourite place, i love to swim. The slides are my favourite
Acceptable

The water park is my favourite place, i cant swim. The kids are my favourite.
Unacceptable

Acceptable and unacceptable statements. Statement number one

I think in the light of all the recent abuse claims I thought it may be useful to explain the difference between acceptable and unacceptable statements.
Statement number 1:

"Emma Watson is hot"
Acceptable

"Emma Watson is hot...in the first Harry potter film.
Unacceptable.

Some potential wedding vows unfinished

I will one day stop being lazy and tidy these up, add more and make it into a speech but that won't be anytime soon. So it's as it is.
-
*I promise to always love you.
I promise to always perform at least 5 minutes of oral sex on you as foreplay before sex unless we haven't showered, were drunk or if I have an ulcer or other affliction that may effect my mouth or jaw area.

*I promise to always listen and cherish you.
Unless your being your typical moody self and bitching about everything or your menstruating and acting like a psychotic wanker!

*I promise to love you until we are old and grey or until you get fat and start growing facial hair. Or start listening to somebody like Michael Buble, watching loose women and stop making an effort in what you look like.

*I promise to always take care of you
Unless you get so fat that you have to winched in and out of a reinforced bath or can only be washed while still in bed with a rag.

*I promise to always respect your opinion
Until your quickly and inevitably wrong or you start watching sex in the city as that instantly vetos any opinion you may have about anything.

*I will always think of you first
Especially when I've come in late from a night out and drunkenly voided my bowels.
I promise to try and not fall up the stairs and will sleep in the bath as not to wake you.

*I promise to hold you when your sad
Unless its over a romantic comedy, to which I will repeat that I insisted we watched robocop in the first place.

*I will raise a beautiful family with you
Unless that child is a wrong un then we can sell it madonna and try again.

*I promise to laugh with you and at you to cheer myself up when I'm feeling down.

*From the moment I set my eyes on you I knew you was the one for me you could drink your own body weight in WKD's and still locate the nearest take away and finish close to three quarters of a kebab before vomiting on yourself.

*I promise to laugh when you laugh. Smile when you smile. Cry when you cry and only fart loudly and masturbate while you sleep.

*I promise to always love you for you and ensure that i hide it, so you never find my collection of midget and bestiality porn!

How to make a woman love you tip 1

How to make a woman love you.
Tip 1
Buy flowers. It may seem old fashioned but flowers always work. The bigger, bolder, more exuberant and more expensive, the better. Then simply hide a tiny cat shit in the middle of it, so it's not visible to the naked eye. And when she recoils in horror at the stench, when she takes a breath into the beautiful bouquet. Simply say "looks aren't everything, love stinks and life can be shit, so marry me!!!" guaranteed to work without fail, and if it somehow does fail it was probably never meant to be in the first place.